As I look at this icon, I wonder: " Was John living that way to identify with us living in our own wildernesses? I know that at times it feels like my life is in the wilderness, desolate and dry. But the difference is that I have not voluntarily or consciously chosen this life. Or maybe I have? Whether or not I have chosen this life, the difference between John and me (and a lot of us) is that John embraced his life; only the other hand, I have not. I fight against this life rather than learning from it. To what extent are we forerunners of God's love for others? "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Igreja São Francisco, Ouro Preto, Minas Gerais
Saint John the Forerunner is a very interesting way to think about John the Baptist. It focuses our thoughts on his role as a prophet and predecessor of Christ. It takes us away from the details about his death. In this Icon, John is holding part of a scroll… maybe the part of Isaiah 40:3 where Isaiah said: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for out God." John took this passage very literally and applied it to himself.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
SAINT JOHN THE FORERUNNER
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
PETER AND PAUL
Both Peter and Paul hold very important places in the Eastern as well as Western Churches. Although Peter is not held in as high esteem in the Eastern Church as he is in the Roman Catholic Church, he is still thought of as the first Patriarch of Rome. Peter and Paul are thought of as the two most important Fathers of the Christian Church. Peter is the root of the very early church, having a major role in setting the direction in which the Church would move. During the early church crisis about how non-Jews were received into the Church, Peter was divided in his opinion. While he accepted that "What God has baptized with the Holy Spirit, how can we deny baptism with water?" However, in a later confrontation with Paul, he was of the opinion the Gentiles first had to convert to Judaism. Paul was the first great missionary to the Gentile world. He is the primary force behind the growth of the Church beyond the Eastern Coast of the Mediterranean. Both are thought to have been martyred sometime during the last half of the 1st Century in Rome.
Peter and Paul represent a rather difficult balance that is practically impossible for any one individual to maintain but which the Church needs to have. On one side we have Peter with his emotionalism and at times reckless abandon in his dedication to Christ and Christ's continuing ministry through the Church. On the other hand, we have Paul and his calculated, planed steps toward the same goals. This Icon shows Peter and Paul holding up the church. It makes me think back on all the saints in my life that have supported my faith struggles. Although my faith has changed significantly, I still am very grateful to those individuals who guided me throughout my life.
One of those individuals that first comes to mind was a Roman Catholic Priest who was one of my Clinical Pastoral Education supervisors, Fr Jan de Jon. It was not so much what he said, did, or taught me. It was how he helped me find my own way by allowing me to explore my own faith without being judgmental. In the best sense of the word, he helped me be a good critic and helping me to question some of my basic assumptions and beliefs. He challenged me to be clear about why I believe what I do. I am still working on that. Like Peter and Paul, Jan support my faith growth by lifting me up to Christ.
GREATMARTYR ANASTASIA THE DELIVERER OF POTIONS
Eventually, Anastasia was arrested. The Emperor directly questioned her and tried to get her to recant her faith in Christ. When she did not, he turned her over to a Pagan priest. When the priest also failed, he tried to violate her. However, he was first struck blind when he tried to touch her and then he died when he asked his idols to heal him.
After a short time of freedom, Anastasia was once more arrested. She was sentenced to death by starvation. However, after 60 days without any food, she should no sign of weakening. The judge then sentenced her to death by drowning. She was put onboard a ship with many other Christian and taken out to sea. The soldiers then put holes in the bottom. However, the Christians were still able to sail the ship back to land. When the observers saw this, 150 of them came to believe and where baptized by Anastasia and another Christian. All of these were captured and martyred for their faith.
Anastasia was stretched between four pillars and set on fire. She died but the flames did not burn her body. In the 5th Century, her remains were moved to Constantinople and buried at a church build in dedication to her. Some of her bones, including her head, were later moved to the St. Anastasia Monastery near Mount Athos. The original of the above Icon is located at that monastery.
I gain strength and joy from knowing that my ministry as a Chaplain has done the same. It reminds me that I too am part of the "Deliverer of Potions" tradition.
Permission to Use of Icons:I have on file emailed permission from the sites where I found these Icons to use them on Facebook and on my blog. Please, do not assume that this gives you permission to do the same. You can ask for permission by visiting the following site: St. Anastasia Knights of Columbus
Igreja do Carmo-Ouro Preto
Monday, October 12, 2009
Twenty – Five Notations Concerning the Life of James Gordon Hawkins
INSTRUCTIONS from Walter Fabisah Jr: 7 - Start enjoying the comments people will start leaving you about your notes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Born August 10, 1954 in Concord, North Carolina. Third and middle son of Fred and Mariruth Hawkins. I have two older brothers, one your sister, and one younger brother. My father was the Minister of Religious Education and a local Southern Baptist Church. He was appointed in 1955 to be the Director of the Brazilian Sunday School Board. We arrived in Brazil on August 6, 1955… four days before my first birthday. I learned to walk onboard the SS Eva Peron. 2. We first lived in Campinas, São Paulo but moved to Rio sometime around June or July of 1955. 3. December 1959 we returned to the US for a year of furlough. Those trips onboard ships that did double duty as cargo ships and passenger ships were always very fun. 4. We returned to Brazil in December 1960. I remember the train ride to New Orleans but not much before then. 5. Sometime around 1961-1962 we changed houses. The new house was one of two new mission houses on Homem de Melo Street just downhill from the Seminary and just around the corner from the Baptist School. Our neighbor and my dearest friend was Jes Sutton. We used to jump the wall between our houses to pay on the solid rock hill that made up a big part of our back yards. 6. When we got back to Brazil, I had forgotten Portuguese. For that reason and the fact that Brazilian schools did not recognize any education other than their own, I was held back and did the first grade over. That means I did half a year in Brazil, half a year in the US, half a year of second grade in the US, and then another half a year of the first grade in Brazil. This also happened in the 4th-5th and 8th - 9th grades. 7. My father was a very creative man, always trying to find new ways to improve the Sunday Schools of Brazilian Baptist Churches. He even had a little shop in our house where he made wooden toys such as block and jigsaw puzzles. My memory of him as a father is mixed. While he could be warm and involve us in his work, he could also be distant and over involved in his work. I do remember him taking me to the doctor when my sister slammed the door on my finger and when I had my tonsils removed. Probably the only pre 1960 memories I have were those two trips and the train ride to New Orleans. 8. My memories of my mother are only positive. She had a wonderful sense of humor and laugher often. I can still remember her laughter. She was warm and loving even though her time was shared between 4 children. Throughout her life, she told the story of my birth. When she was coming out of the anesthetic, the doctor told her that I was a boy. Her reply was: "Another crazy boy". I am not sure how that story influenced me but certainly it did. 9. In 1963, my young brother was born. I remember going to the hospital to get him and Mom. We children sat in the car because children were not allowed in the hospital. 10. I always knew that when I graduated from "High School" (equivalent to the 8th or 9th grade in the US) I would return to the US for college. This was not open for discussion; it was the thing MKs did. Those that chose to stay were somehow rebellious and not as good as us. I thought that my behavior had an impact on my parent's mission. If I misbehaved, my actions would have a negative impact on their witness and ministry. Although I do not remember being told, I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to be a good boy. It is even hard for me to write this because I am afraid of "damaging" the reputation of my parents… specifically of my father. 11. I was baptized January 10, 1954 at the Tijuca Baptist Church. My decision to do so was not out of a conviction that I needed to so. At that time, my parents had decided to move to the interior of São Paulo and I did not want to be baptized in a river. 12. I was mischievous and did get my share of spankings. One in particular had a significant impact on me. We had a canary in a cage. On a windy day, I was playing with the canary's cage. My father told me not to. I did anyhow. I put the cage on the window sill. The wind blew the cage down and the canary got away. My father was very angry and took his belt and spanked me. I remember crying. After that spanking, I remember say to myself that next time he spanked me, I would not cry. True to my promise, the next and last time my father spanked me, I did not "give him the satisfaction" of crying. This was a promise that I kept until in my late twenties. 13. In 1964, we moved to Tupã, São Paulo. Tupã was a small city. It was like an old western city in the US with men on horseback coming to town. Our taxies were horse drawn carts. Although life was relatively primitive, it was also a safe place to live. I remember walking or riding my bike anywhere and not being in the least afraid. My father was the first director of the Brazilian Baptist Assembly. It was built on a farm that initially owned by a group of Latvians. The Latvians were an amazing people! The farm, Palma, had an electric dam way before many of the surround communities even had electricity. 14. In my senior year in High School (Ginasio, equivalent to middle school in the US), I was elected Class President. I was not a very good one since I could or would not participate in their parties because they would drink beer. I was not a part of the planning nor did I attend my Senior Party. 15. From graduation until I left for college in Aug 1982, I worked as an English teacher at a local language school during the evenings and traveled a lot. My most memorable trip was to Curumbá, Mato Grosso. I went with an older man. Sr Aquiles Toscky was a dear friends from church. He was a representative of a local show factory. His territory included all of what is now the state of Mato Grosso do Sul. We would stop along the way and look and the wind animals and fish. We stayed in small boarding homes along the way, asking the lady of the house to cook the fish we caught. Sr Tosque was my mentor and my friend. 16. When I was 13, I read a book about a missionary doctor. Although I did not want to be a doctor, I thought I heard God's call for me to do just that. I spent the next 5 years telling people that one day I would be a doctor because God wanted me to be. Unfortunately, my Brazilian education did not prepare me for college. I did not have the education or the skills. Although I studied very hard, I was not able to make the grades I needed. Having tunnel vision, I did not even think about returning to Brazil or going elsewhere to study. 17. In the summer of 1974, I was a BSU summer missionary at Bambi Lack Baptist Camp in Michigan. I meet Connie that fall. After graduating in 1976, we got married. I love her family and became the son they never had and they became the parents I so desperately needed. From Thanksgiving of 1974, I spent most weekends and holidays with Connie's family. 18. After failing to get into medical school, I studying Pharmacognosy (the branch of chemistry that studies medicines derived from natural sources) at Ohio State. I expected to be testing plants for new medicines. However, my major professor did not do that. Instead, he worked on synthesizing chemicals that had already been extracted and shown some signs of medical usefulness. After two years, I had only demonstrated the ways that particular chemical could NOT be synthesized. I was simply told that the grand would not be renewed for the next year. I began looking for a job and found one with Abbott Labs. My job was to test rubber and plastic components to make sure they did not react with the medications they contacted. 17. OK, this is long and, as much as I would like to just skip this, it is an extremely significant time in my life. In 1979, Connie became pregnant. We were very excited about the prospect of having a child. I went with her for a routine ultrasound. The technician was friendly and talkative at first but she suddenly stopped talking and became very serious. After a few minutes, she excused herself and went to get the doctor. He repeated the ultrasound. He left and got a second doctor. That doctor again did the ultrasound. After that, he turned to us and said: "We think your baby in anencephalic." I did not hear much after that. My mind raced through my knowing of Greek medical roots, prefixes, and suffixes: an=no, en= in, cephaly=head, ic=condition! Could this be right? My baby had no brain?? The doctor continued saying that they wanted to do more test but if the further tests conferment their suspicions, he recommended termination of the pregnancy. We drove home in total silence. At home, I went into one room and Connie into the other. That is when I broke my promise not to cry. As I retail this, I am crying and having to pause often. After some time alone, I went and got my medical dictionary and confirmed what I had translated. Connie and I got together and I expelled to her what anencephaly was. We called her parents first and they left at once on the 14 hour journey to be with us. We then called my parents who were in Brazil. When I heard my mother say "Alo", I lost it again and could not say anything but "Mom". I heard her say: "Jim? Is that you? Is something wrong?" I could not bring myself to say anything. Finally, Connie took the phone at told them. After a while, I was able to speak again. Unfortunately, within the week our fears were confirmed. In June of 1980, Connie made the very painful decision to terminate her pregnancy. We did everything that mental health professional say parents should do: We named her Sarah; we held her; we had a funeral for her. My parents paid for us to go to Brazil that next Christmas. If you are keeping tack, the death of Sarah was the third major blow to my faith within less than 7 years. 18. Elizabeth as born in 1981. In the year following her birth, I quit my job, was ordained, and made plans to attend The Southern Baptist Seminary. Since I did not have much experience in ministry, I started looking for a place where I could at least get a little before starting seminary. Connie found an announcement that the FMB was looking for a volunteer to be the temporary pastor at the International Baptist Church of Brasilia! At that time, my parents were living in Brasilia. We applied and after a lot of consideration and a decision to make an exception to several rules, our application was accepted. Shortly after Elizabeth's first birthday, we moved to Brasilia for nine months. There I learned that preaching was only one part of ministry in a church setting. I found that I really lacked counseling experience. Members came to me seeking guidance, comfort, advice, and help finding their way through difficult times and I did not have the resources to help. I decided to get a DMin with a focus on Pastoral Counseling. I did amazingly well in seminary! 19. Lauren was born in 1983. One of the seminary requirements was students had to take two practicum courses. My options were a classroom style course or Clinical Pastoral Education. In my mind, CPE was for Chaplains. I took the in classroom one and learned absolutely nothing other than that was a waste of my time. I put off taking the last of those practicums until my last semester. By then, I learned that there was a "CPE in a Church Setting". I took that and loved it! During that last semester, the church I pastored decided that when I left, they would disband. That was an extremely difficult time for those church members. CPE helped me to realize that my ministry to them was to help them honor their past mission, look at the present mission, and find their future mission in the work of the church. 20. After graduation, I took a second unit of CPE. All that was available was a hospital based CPE. Again, I loved it! I found in the hospital setting the combination of my interest in medicine AND my interest in being a minister. I applied for a resident position at a hospital in Houston and was accepted. Toward the middle of the third year, I was talking about going on and becoming a CPE supervisor. However, due to financial issues, that center had to discontinue its CPE Supervisor training program. By them, Connie was pregnant so I started to think that it was about time for me to get out on my own as a full-time chaplain. Steven was born in 1989. Shortly after that, I found a position at the Western Baptist Hospital in Paducah, KY. 21. In 1992, I was diagnosed with a primary Brain Cancer. While I did relatively well in my treatments and recovery, it did take an emotional toll on me. I struggled with mood swings since my late teens. Now the swings were very significant. At one point, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was distance from where I would do it. I knew exactly what I would do, where it would happen, and that my plan was fool proof. Fortunately, I recognized the signs and still had the strength to do something to prevent me from hurting myself. I called my Oncologist and good church friend and told him what was going on. He told me to "pray harder." After stressing the point that I really needed intervention, he arranged for me to see a psychiatrist the very next day. From that time forward, I have been on and off of meds a number of times. While sometimes I still think that my family and I would be better off if I died, I have never been that close to taking active action toward suicide. 22. Connie and I were growing further and further apart. While I was becoming more liberal and dissatisfied with the Southern Baptist Convention, she was growing more conservation. I still think that was the right thing for us to do. However, the divorced did lead to what I think was the biggest mistake of my life: moving away from my children. 23. Jenny and I got married the following year. We moved across the state from Paducah. I was never able to re-establish the same career or level of relationships in London that I had in Paducah. When Jenny lost her job, we were forced to move to Columbia, TN and live with my father. Jenny grew more and more dissatisfied and wanted to move closer to her friends in Memphis. However, that time I said NO. I did not know anyone in Memphis, it would put me further from my children, and I had now professional contacts there. She left supposedly on a temporary basis but within a month she applied for a divorce. Our marriage lasted less than 3 years. 24. In 2005, my cancer recurred. Unlike 1992, this time I had surgery, chemo, and radiation. The treatments worked and I have been cancer free since then. However, the cancer and treatments have left me disabled. I have balance problems, right-sided weakness, speech problems, and even some "black outs"… times when I do things that later I do not remember doing. I am also in danger of seizures. In fact, only since the beginning of October have I legally been able to drive due to seizures earlier this year. Upon my father's death in 2007, I inherited the house and I still live in it. Most of my outlet for ministry is the administration of The Cancer Forums, a worldwide, on line forum for people who have or had cancer, their families and friends, and for their care providers. 25. I am busy trying to scan the hundreds of the slides that my father left behind, editing his book about my maternal grandmother's family, and trying to pay the bills. My long term goal is to pay off my depts. I figure I will need to live until I am 100 in order to achieve this goal.
1 - First go to your profile, where it has your name and boxes saying 'WALL' 'INFO' 'PHOTO' and etc. Click on the big + and select NOTES to be added, if not showing, write notes then select it. Once this step is done, you showed see 'Info' 'Wall', 'Photos', 'Notes'. Notes should appear.
2 - Click on Notes and you will see a button to the left saying 'write a new note' click on this button.
3 - This is where you can cut the 25 you already wrote, along with the instructions, and paste into the note body. You can give it your title '25 random things about me, or not so random, or...'
4 - To the right there is a box for you to tag the 25 people for this project, including me.
5 - When you are completely done, click on the 'Publish' button.
6 - You can set the note's privacy to only your friend. That is what I did.
Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner, then click publish.)
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I was send this video.
HOW WILL I SUMARIZE MY LIFE?
Recently, I have been thinking about what I want on my gravestone. It is not an easy task. Have I made a positive impact on my family or friends? Oh, maybe a little. However, there is so much I wish I had done. I know what I need to do and yet I fail to. I guess, down deep, I really do not want to change. So, I am stuck unable or unwilling to move forward. There is so much I wish I had taught my children! If they have learned anything from me it is what NOT to be as a parent. My own father did not teach me much. I am not blaming him because I knew that I did not want to be like him. Yet here I am living much more in isolation than he ever did. I am torn between what I know I need and what I know I want. I am torn between the knowledge that I need to be with people and the desire to be alone. Other than the forum, an occasion email or phone call, a daily time on FaceBook, and a biweekly outing to the grocery store, I make very little contact with people. I make so many excuses! My cancer; my lack of money for gas and extras; we weakness… There is some validity to these. However, that pales in comparison to my unwillingness to participate in life. The children's prayer goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take." This is not my prayer. When I lie in my bed, I often pray: "Now I lay me down to bed. I wish I was died. And if I wake in the morn, I'll wish that I had not been born." Not as sweet as the children's prayer but it is what I wish. I could never or would never actively kill myself, but I do wish I would die. I want to start all over but I would probably make the same mistakes. I believe we are here to learn something about life. Until now that lesson has eluded me. Therefore, even if I did die and got to start all over, without having learned my lesson in this life, my destiny is to make the same choices until I learn. So, back to my tombstone… my name, day I was born, day I died, and "Maybe Next Time". 12 Igreja da Misericordia Olinda, Pernambuco
Thursday, April 23, 2009
WHERE IS HOME?
Dad would be 86 today if he has lived this long. As part of remembering him, I took flowers to his and Mom's graves today. During the drive out there, I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging to this place. I also remembered how important those trips to the cemetery are to me. I often fantasize about living in Brazil and I do plan to move back to Paducah sometime this year. But if I move, my family (the Hawkins side) will have no more reason to come here. I do have a couple of elderly aunts (in laws) and four cousins how live here. But I rarely see them. Who will visit my father's and mother's graves? Who will place flowers?
Where will I be buried? I always thought next (or near) to my parents. Does that really matter? For some reason, it does. Not that I really believe that it makes a difference in the long run. I will be close to them wherever I am buried. However, it still matters.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
MRI REPORT
I am not sure if the news is good or bad or just nonexistent. Last night was very bad. I had a strong aura just 2 hours after taking my medicines. Cousin Emily drove me to the neurosurgeon. The doctor did two things: Ordered an MRI and called the neurologist to get me in before April 14. I am now scheduled for April 2. The doctor also put me on driving restrictions. He told me to limit drastically if not totally the amount of driving that I do until I get these auras under control. I can drive to the grocery store and back is pretty much it for a while. I will talk to my neurologist about how long I will be under that restriction.
We left his office and drove to the Imaging Center and they did an MRI with out and with contrast. Although basically everything was the same as all other MRIs that I have had, there was one difference: the technician asked me if I was going to see the neurosurgeon again. The technician has never asked that so I wondered why he did this time. However, to be clear, the technician never expressed and concern in what he said, in his tone of voice, or in how he treated me. He even joked with me about me being a "MRI Pro" and that I must have earned a degree in "How To Be A Good MRI Patient" by now.
Unfortunately, the answer to his question was "No". My neurosurgeon did not what to see me back. He instructed me to get a CD of the MRI to take with me to my neurologist. The Imaging Center people would fax my neurologist their written report. So, I do not have any official information to give to you today.
As is my custom, I did get a CD of my scan for myself. I have carefully looked at those 100+ images from this MRI and from previous ones. Although I am not an expert, nothing jumped out at me as being different. I did notice an area about 2cm x 1cm that was darker than the previous times... at the site of the original tumor. However, that could be caused by a slightly deeper "cut" this time, exposing some of the choroid plexus (that butterfly looking structure in the middle of the brain as seen from above). I am not overly concerned and will as patiently as I can wait to talk with my neurologist. I think if it was a recurrence, it would have been white.
I hope this does not overly concern you. I appreciate all of your thoughts, messages, and prayers. But right now I really think my auras are a sign of something off with my medicines that the cancer being back.
Give this some time to buffer. It is well worth it.
UPDATE ON MY HEALTH
Last Saturday night, I started having my pre-seizure auras. I double up my medication and went to bed thinking I would be fine in the morning. I was fine until mid afternoon when the aura came back. It is hard for me to describe what an aura feels like. However, I have had enough seizures to know what I feel like before one hits me. I have still not had a seizure and the aura has come and gone.
Monday, I already had an appointment with my GP. I was right in thinking that he would refer me to my neurologist. However, I am not sure where the communication broke down but the neurologist's nurse did not understand how important it was for the neurologist to see me ASAP so I am scheduled to see him April 14. I knew that would not do. I was thinking about just going over to his office and saying: "See me now or risk seeing me later in the ER after I have had a seizure." I realized that one of the things he would do is check my medicine blood leave. Since I had doubled up, that would probably return in the therapeutic range. The other thing he would do is call my neurosurgeon to see if he thought an MRI was needed. So, rather than taking that extra step in seeing my neurologist, I called my neurosurgeon who wants to see me today (Thursday) and possibly do an MRI.
All my support system is lined up: My cousin will drive me the 45 miles to St Thomas in Nashville; my wonderful neighbors are looking in on me every day now; and my family has all been notified… although right now there is precious little my family can do for me or that I want them to do.
This has brought to the forefront the issue of where I am living. I have decided, regardless of what is happening now, that I will be living in Paducah be next Christmas.
Next update will be later today when I get back from Nashville.
Friday, March 13, 2009
20090313 BROKE
It has been a long time. I am working on the Hardison Book update. The Hardison family is the family of my maternal grandmother. My father wrote the basic book. I am just scanning it and updating it. I have no plans of really publishing it in hardback form. If I do sell it, it will be as an eBook. But that is a long time in the future.
Right now, I am broke. I have absolutely no money until April 8. I have paid all my bills (I hope) and bought all the food that I need for over one month. However, there is very little left to pay off my depts, entertainment, travelling… I do not even have money for my medicines. It really is bad.
Oh, well. I will manage. I have managed so far.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
GOOD COFFEE
One of the only problems is that I am out of my favorite coffee. I went to the small Hispanic store where I usually get my Café Brustelo and they did not have any and are not planning to get more. I do not like any of the more Americanized coffees. Most people in the USA do not understand the coffee that they drink so here is the fact: It really does not matter where the coffee beans are for; what matters is where the beans are roasted. All US brands, including Starbucks, import their beans and roast them here. They do not roast the beans long enough or in the same way that the beans are roasted in Mexico or Brazil. USA coffee has, therefore, more acidity and cannot be brewed as strongly. It turns out more like a tea made of coffee beans rather than "real" coffee.
I will have to wait until I can find more Brustelo.
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I have had several people ask me about tha Franz Kohout waterpantings that I am using. I will eventually use all of the. However, if you would like to see all of the ones that I have, you can go to http://s110.photobucket.com/albums/n119/brazil_nut/Franz%20Kohout/ where I have uploaded all of them.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Depression
This is probably the lowest I have been in many years and I am not sure how much I can or will write in this entry.
I am bipolar. One of my anti-seizure medicines also helps keep my mood level most of the time. However, sometimes nothing works.
Most people do not understand mental disorders in general and Bipolar Disorder specifically. There are three factors that contribute to Bipolar Disorder:
- Chemical imbalance in the brain: The brain just does not produce enough of whatever it needs and no amount of treatment will change that deficiency. That is why being bipolar is a lifelong curse. I have been this way since my teen years.
- Psychological factors: By this in mean that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Negative feelings get bottled up in my and that just makes the depression and manic phases worse.
- A trigger: Often something happens to shift the direction of my mood. If I see the event as positive, I might swing to the manic side. On the other hand, if I see the event as negative, I might swing to the depression side.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Politics
It is a taboo subject to talk about politics in my family. I think it all started in Brazil where it was inappropriate and sometimes dangerous for us to talk about the subject. However, that is not the full story. My family consists of such a wide variety of political opinions that it is hard to talk politics without getting into a heated debate and most of us are very uncomfortable with confrontations. What I will try to do in this entry it to give a broad stroke view of my political views. I know that for a lot of you this win come as a shock. I do not mean to cause you any pain although I expect some of you will be "concerned".
If there was a Liberal Democratic Party in the United State, I would join it. Neither of the two major parties reflects my beliefs. I will vote Democratic this fall but not with a great deal of confidence that anything will change.
1. I believe as our political AND Baptist forefathers did in the total separation of Religion and State. Certainly, I do not mean that one is not influenced by the other. However, when we start making political decisions that affect everyone based solely on our religious beliefs we have gone too far. Similarly, the State should not tamper with my religious beliefs. This does not mean that if my religion says that it is OK for me to kill someone in revenge that the State should not intercede… but they should intercede to protect the other person and not to try to change my personal beliefs.
2. I am against Capital Punishment in ANY situation. After using the illustration that I did in the previous statement, I feel like this should be the next stand about which I should talk. I value Human life too much to take it. Even if we could kill Hitler and save hundreds of thousands, we have no right to do that.
Corollary: My stand on abortion does not stand as a contradiction. While I do not believe that human life begins at conception it is still a life with the potential of becoming a human being. Nevertheless, while I am against abortions, I am equally strong pro-choice. I cannot imagine a more difficult decision to make than the choice to have or not have an abortion. The only person who should have any say in that choice is the mother. I am making a differentiation that most anti-abortionists do not, cannot, or simply will not make: pro-choice is not synonymous with pro-abortion. I have counseled with many women facing this choice. We talked about how they felt and believed how this choice might affect her lives, other options… but in all cases, the decision had to be theirs and theirs alone.
3. In terms of other social issues and economic issues I am also very liberal… almost a socialist (again making a significant distinction, this time between Socialism and Communism). The gap between the rich and the poor is immoral. I know that for some of you capitalists that gap makes total sense… even if you are among the poor. Maybe we will always have a gap, but that does not mean it is right. How can we call ourselves a "super power" when so many of our citizens are homes, hungry, and/or sick?
Corollary 1, On Health Care: For a country as rich as the US to not have a national health care system is shameful. I am in for a universal health care plan that covers all US citizens and residents.
Corollary 2, On Foreign Policy: Just within the last week, Russian troops invaded the much smaller neighbor state of Georgia. After our continuing military actions in Iraq, were do we find the nerve much less moral ground to object to Russia's action? I am in favor of supporting our troops; I just find this war to be an illegal aggression toward another country.
Well, that should be enough for one day .
