Jim's Blog

Dream Trip

2010-09-08T21:41:00.002-05:00

It is hard to describe today. I slept in so got off to a slow start to begin with. Then I wasted about 4 hours on Google Map’s “My Map” feature that lets people map out their one trips. I tried mapping out my “dream trip” but had a lot of difficulty with the program. My dream trip is not a short on; not a simple going from point A to point B. It is a trip that could take a good part of a whole summer and would require someone to go with me to do most of the driving. I cannot think of anyone who can do that. The trip would take me though much of the Northeastern and Midwestern USA. It would go through places where I have lived, places I would love to visit, and places that hold fond memories for me.

I have told many people dealing with cancer that I like to know my prognosis in order to establish some realistic goals for what I want to do with whatever time I have left. This trip is in my list. It might not be too realistic given my financial situation and need for a travel companion. It might be the least achievable but it is a dream nevertheless. I think having dreams is not only OK, it is healthy. If those two obstacles could be overcome, there IS a realistic chance that I would take this trip within the time I have left. Of course, my time frame is a long one. I am looking at years. Others might only be looking at months. Nevertheless, having such dreams and goals just might be the first step in the enjoyment of whatever time we still have on this earth.

Water From The Well

2010-09-07T11:03:00.001-05:00

I was sitting outside yesterday (Labor Day) eating a hamburger and chips about 10 feet from my hummingbird feeder. Adam and Eve (the name I gave to the 2 regulars) were flying in and out chasing each other around the trees. Adam almost always land on the perch to sip the nectar. Even rarely does preferring to sip while still flying. One time something unique and special happened. After taking a swig, Adam flew over toward me and hovered about 3 feet from me and just looked at me face to face. Of course, I have no idea what was going through his pea size brain. I have had hummingbirds sip nectar from flowers that I was holding. Nevertheless, this was the first time one actually looked into my eyes. Whatever the reason for this behavior, it took a lot of courage on this little bird’s part. He dared to stare down something at least 1000 times his size.

Cancer makes us to have to stare down something that physically is much smaller than we are but much larger in its impact on use in all other ways. I know it takes all the courage I can muster to hang in there. It is so much easier to write about this now that I am in remission rather than when the cancer is acting up. Certainly there are many sources of support we can draw from but a lot of it has to come from the reservoirs deep within us. Despite what we might feel, we have one. Sometimes life situations have made this reservoir hard to reach. That is when friends, family, and even our medical teams help. I do not see it as them giving us courage. Rather I see it as them helping us to access the courage that is already there. Like someone drawing water from a deep well, the water has always been there but needs help coming to the surface.

2010-09-06T06:14:00.003-05:00

I recently located the first volume of my diary. I have kept a diary off and on since I was 17. I decided to read what I wrote almost 40 years ago. What I found was very enlightening. I will not say that I was ignorant… just not well informed. I saw that there were days that I felt really down and others that I felt higher that the sky. I now know that I am slightly bipolar and that even back then I should symptoms. However, back then I was in a different place intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. I was more black and white in my world view. On days that I felt down (depressed) I wrote:

“I feel low. I know have done something wrong but I don’t know what. God, show me what I did to displease you.”

Expression of guilt about non-specific actions is a very common sign of Depression.

On days that I felt high (manic), I expressed hope and optimism about my future.

“I can do anything when I go to college because God will make a way.”

Expressions about being able to overcome all obstacles is a common feature of the manic phase of bipolar disorder.

Now I know that neither of those causes for my feelings were true. Certainly there were days when I had made only good choices but still felt low and days were I made some bad choices but felt high.

Since then, even though I know it isn’t true, I have felt the same way. As a hospital chaplain and as a part of this forum, I have heard others who feel the same way. How many times have I asked myself: “God, why cancer? Why me? What have I done wrong to deserve this?” I know there will never be an answer that fully satisfies me. I know that even if God explained it to me, I would still feel the pain, fear, and yes, the anger of knowing I have cancer. I am not talking about the factors that contribute to the development of cancers. I am talking about the deeper question… the search for meaning in this new lives we live since our diagnosis. For those questions there may never be an answer and even if there is, knowing it will not take away the pain.

Each of us needs to find a way to live with the pain, fear, anger, and sorrow that accompany Cancer. In my case, spirituality and the knowledge that God is with me regardless of how I feel is a source of strength and comfort. For you, family and friends may play a big role. Some find meaning in activities. I know helping people helps me. Even answering questions on the forum helps me feel a part of the broader life.

In some ways, I still am where I was 40 years ago; in other ways, I have grown. In that growth I find meaning.

2010-06-13 FIFA WORLD CUP - GERMANY vs AUSTRALIA

2010-06-15T19:50:00.007-05:00

6-13 Germany vs Australia 4x0.

German is without a doubt the best team so far. They were simply amazing! They passed the ball with assertion and confidence with very few mistakes. The keeper HAD very few chances to show his skills because the defense kept the Australians on the other side of the pitch so much of the time. One indicator of how much better they were was the number of offsides charged against them. In this case, offsides calls indicate that the Germans were hungrier and faster than their counterparts. Things do not look good for the US since they will likely play Germany in the Round of 16! Australia was outmatched. They were good just not good enough. One point of interest is that Cacau, a Brazilian naturalized as an Australian is on the Australian National Team. Situations like his are making FIFA look to see if there is some legal way to prevent this from happening.

2010-06-13 FIFA WORLD CUP - GHANA vs SERBIA

2010-06-15T19:37:00.004-05:00

6-13 Ghana vs Serbia 1x0

This was a good game. Both teams were technically equal but not really outstanding. As the Brazilian commentator said, both teams played like "um time do interior do Rio Grande do Sul".

Ghana had 3 times as many fouls as Serbia but Serbia was not able to convert those opportunities into scores.

The only score came when a Serbian player touched the ball in his own penalty area. Nevertheless, the game ended as it should. Ghana was simply better at getting chances.

2010-06-13 FIFA WORLD CUP - ALGERIA vs SLOVENIA

2010-06-13T23:20:00.005-05:00

Algeria vs Slovenia 0x1

For 2 teams that could give themselves a great advantage in their group, neither team played very well. They both played technically about the same... bad... minor league level. Their passing was week with many errors. The only goal was as much a fault of the keeper as it was due to the skill of the kicker. It was a very weak kick that caught the goalkeeper in the wrong place and unable to adjust fast enough.

This victory puts the USA in a bad position since it will now have to will both of its next 2 games.

2010-06-12 FIFA WORLD CUP - UNINTED STATES vs ENGLAND

2010-06-13T22:29:00.003-05:00

USA vs England 1x1.

The game was not close even though it ended in a tie. England had many more real chances to score. I lost count of how many times an English player only had the goalkeeper between him and a goal.

It was very difficult for the USA to get though the closed English formation. On one corner kick, I think there were 10 English player inside the small box.

Howard, the USA's goalkeeper was the USA's MVP. He was injured when an English player inadvertent slid into him feet-to-chest. Despite his injury, he went on from that point and played a flawless game.

2010-06-12 FIFA WORLD CUP - ARGENTINA vs NIGERIA

2010-06-13T17:20:00.003-05:00

Argentina vs Nigeria 1x0.

Neither Argentina nor Nigeria were impressive. I certainly expected more from the football powerhouse Argentina... especially since they were playing a relatively new team. It was a hard played game with many fouls on both teams. Nevertheless, the refry and linesmen did an excellent job calling the game making few, if any, mistakes.

To some extent, it was a game defined by the keepers. Both blocked some very dangerous balls.

Argentina will most likely move to the Round of 16 without much trouble. However, they will have to improve a lot to move much further.

2010-06-12 FIFA WORLD CUP – SOUTH KOREA vs GREECE

2010-06-13T16:54:00.004-05:00

South Korea vs Greece 2x0 but could have been 4x0.

Korea was very impressive! Korea outplayed Greece for 70 min of the game. Only from the 60 min mark to the 80 min mark did Greece have more shots on goal. Korea's game was simply cleaner and prettier: passing was better, dribbling better, take-a-ways cleaner, fouls fewer.

In addition, South Korea had 2 calls go against them... one a potential penalty. That is why I say the score could have easily been 4x0. Overall, it was a fantastic game.

I sort of wanted Greece to win. With their economy as bad as it is, a victory would be a good moral booster.

2010-06-11 FIFA WORLD CUP - FRANCE vs URUGUAY

2010-06-13T16:39:00.009-05:00

France and Uruguay tied 0x0. It was hard to know who to cheer for in that game. France got to the World Cup because of a missed call in a conference game against Ireland... a handball that would have resulted in an Irish goal eliminating France. On the other hand, Uruguay is a perennial rival of Brazil... my favorite.

Nevertheless, both were technically about the same and both good. The Uruguayan team did loose a man dew to a red card. Emotionally, the Uruguayans probably feel better since they did not allow a goal even with one man down.

2010-06-11 FIFA WORLD CUP 2010 – SOUTH AFRICA vs MEXICO

2010-06-13T16:14:00.008-05:00

Mexico and South Africa tied 1x1. The game was balanced but not very impressive. Both teams played OK and had their chances at additional goals. However, they were not technically good.

The major controversial call was an offsides call that took away a goal from Mexico. There were two Mexican players involved in the play. On a corner kick, one player, who was clearly in an onside position, chested the ball and it looked like the ball went in. The second player, who was clearly in an offsides position when the ball was chested, ran toward the ball. It is impossible for me to tell what happened next but he was called for offsides. The only way that call could be right is if he touched the ball before in completely crossed the goal line. Apparently, the refry thought he did. If so, it is his fault that Mexico did not win this game.

THE UNMERCENARIES

2010-06-07T00:19:00.003-05:00

As someone who is very interested in and involved with health issues, the Unmercenaries have a special attaction for me. The two primary saints in this group are St Cyrus of Alexandria and St John of Edessa (Mesopotamia). Because of persectution, both ended up in the Gulf of Arabia area joining a group of monks already there. While there, they became very involved in caring for the sick. Their title comes from the fact that they refused payments for their services. Cyrus and John where beheaded in 292 CE.

Unlike other Icons, I have no problem identifying with this one. This small group of saints inspire me with their clear message of caring for others… especially in times of illness. From the time I was 13, I felt a deep concern for the sick. At first, I thought I would be a doctor. However, through a difficult journey, I ended up being a Hospital Chaplain… a calling that I very much enjoyed.

Satuário de Nosa Senhora Aparecida, São Paulo, BR

THE HOSPITALITY OF ABRAHAM

2009-11-23T13:01:00.002-06:00

Historical, Cultural, and Religious Background:

In Genesis 18, we read about the encounter between Abraham and three Angels. In the text, they are never called "angles" but "men". However, tradition has inferred for the story that these were in fact Angels (in light of Geneses 19:1) where two of them are identified as Angels. Abraham consistently calls the third one "Lord".

Hospitality is a very important action in the Jewish tradition. They point to the example of Abraham and Sarah as the source of their belief in the importance of showing hospitality to strangers.

The Icon:

The Icon I am using shows the three angles sitting at the table with the Lord at the head. Abraham and Sarah are serving them water and freshly made bread. The three angles are pictures in the traditional way with wings.

Personal Journey:

I live most of the time in solitude never having anyone visit and rarely seeing anyone else on a day to day basis. I cannot say that I am lonely; I rather enjoy my solitude. That does not mean that I do not enjoy visits from others! I just wish they would stay longer.

When I wish young, my family was the only American family in our little city in the interior of Brazil. If there anyone from the USA in the city, we would very likely be their host. I cannot remember my parent's turning anyone away. Mom would cook a big meal; whoever was in the "guest room" would move out; Dad would visit with our guest(s). Specifically, I remember having a Roman Catholic Priest stay overnight with us. He was a war soul and did not seem to mind the difference in our faiths.

Message:

The message in this Icon is straightforward; its implementation into our modern culture is anything but. Our modern lives isolate each of us. Most of us expect visitors to call before visiting. "Drop-in" visits are a thing of the past. In the USA, a lot of us grew in families where we learned about the westward expansion of our ancestors seeking more "elbow room." We have a lot of room for improving our hospitality.

Rabbi Eve Ben-Ora asked an interesting question in one of his medications on the subject of Hospitality: "Do you consider being friends with someone of Facebook the same as showing hospitality?" My answer is that it can be. I know that I have a lot of "friends" to whom I marginally show hospitality in any significant meaning of the word. Never the less, Facebook has made it possible for me to reconnect with many childhood friends. Also, I have made many new ones. It is amazing how much Facebook can foster a sense of community. Along the same line, I am an administrator of a forum for people affected by cancer (www.cancerforums.net). Over the last four years, I have made so very dear friends there. We have been through so much together. Nevertheless, as I often tell them, "While virtual hugs are wonderful, there is nothing like a real hug!" The same thing goes for hospitality: Yes, Facebook and forums can be a way for us to express "virtual" hospitality but it is nothing compared to the real thing.

Igreja São Franscisco de Paula

Ouro Preto, Minas Gerais

ANCHANGEL COUNCIL

2009-11-21T23:16:00.003-06:00

Historical, Cultural, and Religious Background:

Of all the heavenly being mentioned in the Bible, no title is used less often then the title of "Archangel". In fact, the world is only used once (Jude 1:9). Since only Michael is specifically called an Archangel the Bible, most protestants do not recognize any other Archangel. Certainly, many protestant would agree that the Angel Gabriel holds a higher rank than others. Nevertheless, Michael is the only universally accepted Archangel (Jews, Muslims, and Christians).

Outside of Protestantism, those from the Roman Catholic Orthodox traditions do not reserve the title to just the ones whose names are found in the Scriptures. It is common to find references to a council of Archangels with 7 members. Although not all of the lists agree on the names of these members, all agree on four: Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel. The others differ from list to list. Note that each of their names (and the name of all Archangels) ends in "el". "el" is the Hebrew word for "Lord". However, it is often used in the place of the name "God." (For more explanation of the meaning of each name: http://www.angelfocus.com/archangels.htm ).

The title of Archangel denotes an angel of higher rank or a chief among the angels. Sometimes, you will find them listed as Saints as well. In a sense, a loose translation of "Archangel" could be "senior or chief messenger of the God." In the case of St Michael, he also has the task of leader the Army of God who defeated Lucifer and threw him out of Heaven.

I am not exactly sure how to understand the Archangels in the light of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us. I have not had a personal experience with an Archangel like I have had with the Holy Spirit. The same can be said about Lucifer, the Falling Archangel. It is hard for me to believe in the existence of ANY archangel because of my lack of a personal contact with them.

Also, the struggle between Good and Evil, God and Satan, has always struck me as a form of dualism. Maybe the fight between St Michael and Lucifer is intended to alleviate this problem by distancing God from the fight. It is much easier to answer this criticism if the fight is actually between two Archangels rather the between two deities.

The Icon:

The icon I chose for this meditation is of the Archangels Council. In this icon, we see the seven archangels with two of them holding the image of Christ. Directly above Christ stand Michael holding in his right hand the name symbol for "Jesus" and in his left the name symbol for "Christ" (this is commonly found on Icons). From left to right we see: Jegudiel, Gabriel, Selaphiel, Michael, Uriel, Raphael, and Barachiel. Beneath Christ are three representatives of two other heavenly beings: Cherubims (blue) and Seraphim (red). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archangel

Personal Journey:

I am going to be selling my house and moving into an apartment in Paducah as soon as possible. In order to do this, I have to take on what seems like an impossible job: organize and clean years of documents, books, furniture, decorations, and other objects collected by my parents and me. Moving from a house with three bedrooms and a finished basement into a small apartment is a daunting task.

Message:

Throughout history, there have been times when God needed to speak to humans in a unique way. Whether at the Annunciation to Mary of the coming of the Messiah or the encounter with Abraham before the destruction of Sodom, God needed to make God’s presence felt in a very personal and even physical way. I believe that this need culminated in the coming of Christ. In fact, the Annunciation is the last appearance of an Archangel in history.

I wish that at times like this in my life, God would make clear which direction I should go. Others have expressed the same sentiment to me: “I wish God would appear to me and clearly tell me what I should do!” Unfortunately, an Archangel has never come to me to enlighten me. It would be comforting to know that there is a council of Archangels fighting our war with the Evil One. I look at this Icon and ask “Where are you?” I can hear some people replying: “You just are not listening hard enough.” OK, maybe. I don’t know about that. All that I know is that I have tried throughout my life to listen. Sometimes, I did think I had heard God’s messengers only to be disappointed. It is so hard to know where our thoughts come from. Are they coming from some external source are from a mix of your wishes, history, upbringing, nature, religion, or families? Do we do what we do simply to satisfy our own needs… including the need for affirmation from others or God?

It seems like at this point in my life I should have more answers than questions. Alas, this is not the case. Maybe knowing what I do not know is the beginning of wisdom? Archangels, please speak to me! (Deafening silence).
Icon found in several public sources including collections of the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America.

Matriz de Tiradentes, Minas Gerais

SAINT DEMETRIUS OF THESSALONIKI

2009-11-08T19:11:00.006-06:00

Icon used with permission from: Ikonen Galerie Sophia, Benedicte Oehry, Wittergasse 10, CH-8001 Zurich, Switzerland

Tel./Fax: +41 (0)1 2 12 12 90 , e-mail: info@ikonen.ch

I take on an attempt to let an Icon of Saint Demetrius speak to me with fear and trepidation. I really struggled with this idea because St Demetrius’ story can be used to justify all kinds of cruelty to others.

According to Wikipedia and many other sites, Saint Demetrius of Thessaloniki (Thessalonica to Americas) was a 4th century martyr. He was the Patron Saint of Crusaders and one of the military saints. Icons of him often depict him dressed in upper class Roman general’s clothing alongside Saint George. St George is on a horse killing the dragon while St Demetrius while St Demetrius is killing a pagan giant.

Demetrius was a Roman noble man from Thessaloniki. He is thought to have been a general in the army of Emperor Galerius Maximianus (emperor from 305 to 311). He was a Christian in a world of pagans. When Maximianus returned to Thessaloniki (the capital at that time), he had pagan games to celebrate his victories. Demetrius spoke publically against these games. For his outspokenness, Demetrius was arrested.

While in prison, a young Christian named Nestor, came to him asking to be blessed so that he could defeat the giant, Lyaios. Demetrius blessed Nestor who went out and, like David, killed the giant. Emperor Maximianus became enraged at the news that his pagan hero had been killed by Nestor. The Emperor arrested Nestor. Since he knew that Demetrius was involved, Maximianus had both of them executed. Nestor was beheaded while Demetrius was impaled with a lance.
St Demetrius became a very important saint to the Slavic people of the Balkan and Russia.

Understand St Demetrius is not easy for someone like me who is opposed to wars. However, it does remind me of the time when I was a Chaplain in the US Army Reserve. I did not think of myself as a warrior. I thought of myself as a minister to warriors. I joined became I do believe that sometimes we do need to defend the Constitution. But that is not what I see in the works of St Demetrius. Most of us modern Christians cannot defend the Crusades of the middle ages.
Nevertheless, we do sing hymns such as “Onward Christian Soldiers”. There is always this thread in Christianity that describes us as warrior in the fight against Evil (however you understand that). I do struggle with this concept… mainly because it has been so misused throughout history. Whether it be with the Crusaders, or our Civil War, or more recently with the “war against terrorism.” Despite this ambivalence towards St Demetrius, I have to admire his courage when standing up against the “giant”, Emperor Maximianus.

It would be so easy to use Demetrius to make a political statement. I pray that you do not go there with this Saint.

A Gavia, Rio de Janeiro

SAINT JOHN THE FORERUNNER

2009-11-08T00:12:00.006-06:00

Saint John the Forerunner is a very interesting way to think about John the Baptist. It focuses our thoughts on his role as a prophet and predecessor of Christ. It takes us away from the details about his death. In this Icon, John is holding part of a scroll… maybe the part of Isaiah 40:3 where Isaiah said: "In the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for out God." John took this passage very literally and applied it to himself.

As I look at this icon, I wonder: " Was John living that way to identify with us living in our own wildernesses? I know that at times it feels like my life is in the wilderness, desolate and dry. But the difference is that I have not voluntarily or consciously chosen this life. Or maybe I have? Whether or not I have chosen this life, the difference between John and me (and a lot of us) is that John embraced his life; only the other hand, I have not. I fight against this life rather than learning from it.

To what extent are we forerunners of God's love for others?

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference."

Icon used with permission from: Ikonen Galerie Sophia, Benedicte Oehry, Wittergasse 10, CH-8001 Zurich, Switzerland, Tel./Fax: +41 (0)1 2 12 12 90, e-mail: info@ikonen.ch

Igreja São Francisco, Ouro Preto, Minas Gerais

PETER AND PAUL

2009-11-03T20:42:00.009-06:00

Both Peter and Paul hold very important places in the Eastern as well as Western Churches. Although Peter is not held in as high esteem in the Eastern Church as he is in the Roman Catholic Church, he is still thought of as the first Patriarch of Rome. Peter and Paul are thought of as the two most important Fathers of the Christian Church. Peter is the root of the very early church, having a major role in setting the direction in which the Church would move. During the early church crisis about how non-Jews were received into the Church, Peter was divided in his opinion. While he accepted that "What God has baptized with the Holy Spirit, how can we deny baptism with water?" However, in a later confrontation with Paul, he was of the opinion the Gentiles first had to convert to Judaism. Paul was the first great missionary to the Gentile world. He is the primary force behind the growth of the Church beyond the Eastern Coast of the Mediterranean. Both are thought to have been martyred sometime during the last half of the 1st Century in Rome.

Peter and Paul represent a rather difficult balance that is practically impossible for any one individual to maintain but which the Church needs to have. On one side we have Peter with his emotionalism and at times reckless abandon in his dedication to Christ and Christ's continuing ministry through the Church. On the other hand, we have Paul and his calculated, planed steps toward the same goals. This Icon shows Peter and Paul holding up the church. It makes me think back on all the saints in my life that have supported my faith struggles. Although my faith has changed significantly, I still am very grateful to those individuals who guided me throughout my life.

One of those individuals that first comes to mind was a Roman Catholic Priest who was one of my Clinical Pastoral Education supervisors, Fr Jan de Jon. It was not so much what he said, did, or taught me. It was how he helped me find my own way by allowing me to explore my own faith without being judgmental. In the best sense of the word, he helped me be a good critic and helping me to question some of my basic assumptions and beliefs. He challenged me to be clear about why I believe what I do. I am still working on that. Like Peter and Paul, Jan support my faith growth by lifting me up to Christ.

São João na Fazenda

Permission to Use the Icon: I have on file emailed permission from the site where I found the Icon to use it on Facebook and on my blog. Please, do not assume that this gives you permission to do the same. You can ask for permission by visiting the following site:

The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America

GREATMARTYR ANASTASIA THE DELIVERER OF POTIONS

2009-11-03T19:00:00.012-06:00

Anastasia was born in Rome during the reign or Diocletian (CE 284 – 305). Her father was a Pagan but her mother was a Christian. After the death of her mother, Anastasia was given to a Pagan Roman. She maintain her virginity by pretending to be sick all the time. When her husband died at sea, Anastasia became active in ministering to Christians in prisons. Although of noble birth, Anastasia dressed as a beggar and took medicines that the sick Christians in Roman prisons. She was skilled in the healing arts of the days.

Eventually, Anastasia was arrested. The Emperor directly questioned her and tried to get her to recant her faith in Christ. When she did not, he turned her over to a Pagan priest. When the priest also failed, he tried to violate her. However, he was first struck blind when he tried to touch her and then he died when he asked his idols to heal him.

After a short time of freedom, Anastasia was once more arrested. She was sentenced to death by starvation. However, after 60 days without any food, she should no sign of weakening. The judge then sentenced her to death by drowning. She was put onboard a ship with many other Christian and taken out to sea. The soldiers then put holes in the bottom. However, the Christians were still able to sail the ship back to land. When the observers saw this, 150 of them came to believe and where baptized by Anastasia and another Christian. All of these were captured and martyred for their faith.

Anastasia was stretched between four pillars and set on fire. She died but the flames did not burn her body. In the 5th Century, her remains were moved to Constantinople and buried at a church build in dedication to her. Some of her bones, including her head, were later moved to the St. Anastasia Monastery near Mount Athos. The original of the above Icon is located at that monastery.

I gain strength and joy from knowing that my ministry as a Chaplain has done the same. It reminds me that I too am part of the "Deliverer of Potions" tradition.

Permission to Use of Icons:I have on file emailed permission from the sites where I found these Icons to use them on Facebook and on my blog. Please, do not assume that this gives you permission to do the same. You can ask for permission by visiting the following site: St. Anastasia Knights of Columbus

Igreja do Carmo-Ouro Preto

Twenty – Five Notations Concerning the Life of James Gordon Hawkins

2009-10-12T18:34:00.001-05:00

INSTRUCTIONS from Walter Fabisah Jr:
1 - First go to your profile, where it has your name and boxes saying 'WALL' 'INFO' 'PHOTO' and etc. Click on the big + and select NOTES to be added, if not showing, write notes then select it. Once this step is done, you showed see 'Info' 'Wall', 'Photos', 'Notes'. Notes should appear.
2 - Click on Notes and you will see a button to the left saying 'write a new note' click on this button.
3 - This is where you can cut the 25 you already wrote, along with the instructions, and paste into the note body. You can give it your title '25 random things about me, or not so random, or...'
4 - To the right there is a box for you to tag the 25 people for this project, including me.
5 - When you are completely done, click on the 'Publish' button.
6 - You can set the note's privacy to only your friend. That is what I did.

7 - Start enjoying the comments people will start leaving you about your notes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner, then click publish.)

1. Born August 10, 1954 in Concord, North Carolina. Third and middle son of Fred and Mariruth Hawkins. I have two older brothers, one your sister, and one younger brother. My father was the Minister of Religious Education and a local Southern Baptist Church. He was appointed in 1955 to be the Director of the Brazilian Sunday School Board. We arrived in Brazil on August 6, 1955… four days before my first birthday. I learned to walk onboard the SS Eva Peron.

2. We first lived in Campinas, São Paulo but moved to Rio sometime around June or July of 1955.

3. December 1959 we returned to the US for a year of furlough. Those trips onboard ships that did double duty as cargo ships and passenger ships were always very fun.

4. We returned to Brazil in December 1960. I remember the train ride to New Orleans but not much before then.

5. Sometime around 1961-1962 we changed houses. The new house was one of two new mission houses on Homem de Melo Street just downhill from the Seminary and just around the corner from the Baptist School. Our neighbor and my dearest friend was Jes Sutton. We used to jump the wall between our houses to pay on the solid rock hill that made up a big part of our back yards.

6. When we got back to Brazil, I had forgotten Portuguese. For that reason and the fact that Brazilian schools did not recognize any education other than their own, I was held back and did the first grade over. That means I did half a year in Brazil, half a year in the US, half a year of second grade in the US, and then another half a year of the first grade in Brazil. This also happened in the 4^th-5^th and 8^th - 9^th grades.

7. My father was a very creative man, always trying to find new ways to improve the Sunday Schools of Brazilian Baptist Churches. He even had a little shop in our house where he made wooden toys such as block and jigsaw puzzles. My memory of him as a father is mixed. While he could be warm and involve us in his work, he could also be distant and over involved in his work. I do remember him taking me to the doctor when my sister slammed the door on my finger and when I had my tonsils removed. Probably the only pre 1960 memories I have were those two trips and the train ride to New Orleans.

8. My memories of my mother are only positive. She had a wonderful sense of humor and laugher often. I can still remember her laughter. She was warm and loving even though her time was shared between 4 children. Throughout her life, she told the story of my birth. When she was coming out of the anesthetic, the doctor told her that I was a boy. Her reply was: "Another crazy boy". I am not sure how that story influenced me but certainly it did.

9. In 1963, my young brother was born. I remember going to the hospital to get him and Mom. We children sat in the car because children were not allowed in the hospital.

10. I always knew that when I graduated from "High School" (equivalent to the 8^th or 9^th grade in the US) I would return to the US for college. This was not open for discussion; it was the thing MKs did. Those that chose to stay were somehow rebellious and not as good as us. I thought that my behavior had an impact on my parent's mission. If I misbehaved, my actions would have a negative impact on their witness and ministry. Although I do not remember being told, I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to be a good boy. It is even hard for me to write this because I am afraid of "damaging" the reputation of my parents… specifically of my father.

11. I was baptized January 10, 1954 at the Tijuca Baptist Church. My decision to do so was not out of a conviction that I needed to so. At that time, my parents had decided to move to the interior of São Paulo and I did not want to be baptized in a river.

12. I was mischievous and did get my share of spankings. One in particular had a significant impact on me. We had a canary in a cage. On a windy day, I was playing with the canary's cage. My father told me not to. I did anyhow. I put the cage on the window sill. The wind blew the cage down and the canary got away. My father was very angry and took his belt and spanked me. I remember crying. After that spanking, I remember say to myself that next time he spanked me, I would not cry. True to my promise, the next and last time my father spanked me, I did not "give him the satisfaction" of crying. This was a promise that I kept until in my late twenties.

13. In 1964, we moved to Tupã, São Paulo. Tupã was a small city. It was like an old western city in the US with men on horseback coming to town. Our taxies were horse drawn carts. Although life was relatively primitive, it was also a safe place to live. I remember walking or riding my bike anywhere and not being in the least afraid. My father was the first director of the Brazilian Baptist Assembly. It was built on a farm that initially owned by a group of Latvians. The Latvians were an amazing people! The farm, Palma, had an electric dam way before many of the surround communities even had electricity.

14. In my senior year in High School (Ginasio, equivalent to middle school in the US), I was elected Class President. I was not a very good one since I could or would not participate in their parties because they would drink beer. I was not a part of the planning nor did I attend my Senior Party.

15. From graduation until I left for college in Aug 1982, I worked as an English teacher at a local language school during the evenings and traveled a lot. My most memorable trip was to Curumbá, Mato Grosso. I went with an older man. Sr Aquiles Toscky was a dear friends from church. He was a representative of a local show factory. His territory included all of what is now the state of Mato Grosso do Sul. We would stop along the way and look and the wind animals and fish. We stayed in small boarding homes along the way, asking the lady of the house to cook the fish we caught. Sr Tosque was my mentor and my friend.

16. When I was 13, I read a book about a missionary doctor. Although I did not want to be a doctor, I thought I heard God's call for me to do just that. I spent the next 5 years telling people that one day I would be a doctor because God wanted me to be. Unfortunately, my Brazilian education did not prepare me for college. I did not have the education or the skills. Although I studied very hard, I was not able to make the grades I needed. Having tunnel vision, I did not even think about returning to Brazil or going elsewhere to study.

17. In the summer of 1974, I was a BSU summer missionary at Bambi Lack Baptist Camp in Michigan. I meet Connie that fall. After graduating in 1976, we got married. I love her family and became the son they never had and they became the parents I so desperately needed. From Thanksgiving of 1974, I spent most weekends and holidays with Connie's family.

18. After failing to get into medical school, I studying Pharmacognosy (the branch of chemistry that studies medicines derived from natural sources) at Ohio State. I expected to be testing plants for new medicines. However, my major professor did not do that. Instead, he worked on synthesizing chemicals that had already been extracted and shown some signs of medical usefulness. After two years, I had only demonstrated the ways that particular chemical could NOT be synthesized. I was simply told that the grand would not be renewed for the next year. I began looking for a job and found one with Abbott Labs. My job was to test rubber and plastic components to make sure they did not react with the medications they contacted.

17. OK, this is long and, as much as I would like to just skip this, it is an extremely significant time in my life. In 1979, Connie became pregnant. We were very excited about the prospect of having a child. I went with her for a routine ultrasound. The technician was friendly and talkative at first but she suddenly stopped talking and became very serious. After a few minutes, she excused herself and went to get the doctor. He repeated the ultrasound. He left and got a second doctor. That doctor again did the ultrasound. After that, he turned to us and said: "We think your baby in anencephalic." I did not hear much after that. My mind raced through my knowing of Greek medical roots, prefixes, and suffixes: an=no, en= in, cephaly=head, ic=condition! Could this be right? My baby had no brain?? The doctor continued saying that they wanted to do more test but if the further tests conferment their suspicions, he recommended termination of the pregnancy. We drove home in total silence. At home, I went into one room and Connie into the other. That is when I broke my promise not to cry. As I retail this, I am crying and having to pause often. After some time alone, I went and got my medical dictionary and confirmed what I had translated. Connie and I got together and I expelled to her what anencephaly was. We called her parents first and they left at once on the 14 hour journey to be with us. We then called my parents who were in Brazil. When I heard my mother say "Alo", I lost it again and could not say anything but "Mom". I heard her say: "Jim? Is that you? Is something wrong?" I could not bring myself to say anything. Finally, Connie took the phone at told them. After a while, I was able to speak again. Unfortunately, within the week our fears were confirmed. In June of 1980, Connie made the very painful decision to terminate her pregnancy. We did everything that mental health professional say parents should do: We named her Sarah; we held her; we had a funeral for her. My parents paid for us to go to Brazil that next Christmas. If you are keeping tack, the death of Sarah was the third major blow to my faith within less than 7 years.

18. Elizabeth as born in 1981. In the year following her birth, I quit my job, was ordained, and made plans to attend The Southern Baptist Seminary. Since I did not have much experience in ministry, I started looking for a place where I could at least get a little before starting seminary. Connie found an announcement that the FMB was looking for a volunteer to be the temporary pastor at the International Baptist Church of Brasilia! At that time, my parents were living in Brasilia. We applied and after a lot of consideration and a decision to make an exception to several rules, our application was accepted. Shortly after Elizabeth's first birthday, we moved to Brasilia for nine months. There I learned that preaching was only one part of ministry in a church setting. I found that I really lacked counseling experience. Members came to me seeking guidance, comfort, advice, and help finding their way through difficult times and I did not have the resources to help. I decided to get a DMin with a focus on Pastoral Counseling. I did amazingly well in seminary!

19. Lauren was born in 1983. One of the seminary requirements was students had to take two practicum courses. My options were a classroom style course or Clinical Pastoral Education. In my mind, CPE was for Chaplains. I took the in classroom one and learned absolutely nothing other than that was a waste of my time. I put off taking the last of those practicums until my last semester. By then, I learned that there was a "CPE in a Church Setting". I took that and loved it! During that last semester, the church I pastored decided that when I left, they would disband. That was an extremely difficult time for those church members. CPE helped me to realize that my ministry to them was to help them honor their past mission, look at the present mission, and find their future mission in the work of the church.

20. After graduation, I took a second unit of CPE. All that was available was a hospital based CPE. Again, I loved it! I found in the hospital setting the combination of my interest in medicine AND my interest in being a minister. I applied for a resident position at a hospital in Houston and was accepted. Toward the middle of the third year, I was talking about going on and becoming a CPE supervisor. However, due to financial issues, that center had to discontinue its CPE Supervisor training program. By them, Connie was pregnant so I started to think that it was about time for me to get out on my own as a full-time chaplain. Steven was born in 1989. Shortly after that, I found a position at the Western Baptist Hospital in Paducah, KY.

21. In 1992, I was diagnosed with a primary Brain Cancer. While I did relatively well in my treatments and recovery, it did take an emotional toll on me. I struggled with mood swings since my late teens. Now the swings were very significant. At one point, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was distance from where I would do it. I knew exactly what I would do, where it would happen, and that my plan was fool proof. Fortunately, I recognized the signs and still had the strength to do something to prevent me from hurting myself. I called my Oncologist and good church friend and told him what was going on. He told me to "pray harder." After stressing the point that I really needed intervention, he arranged for me to see a psychiatrist the very next day. From that time forward, I have been on and off of meds a number of times. While sometimes I still think that my family and I would be better off if I died, I have never been that close to taking active action toward suicide.

22. Connie and I were growing further and further apart. While I was becoming more liberal and dissatisfied with the Southern Baptist Convention, she was growing more conservation. I still think that was the right thing for us to do. However, the divorced did lead to what I think was the biggest mistake of my life: moving away from my children.

23. Jenny and I got married the following year. We moved across the state from Paducah. I was never able to re-establish the same career or level of relationships in London that I had in Paducah. When Jenny lost her job, we were forced to move to Columbia, TN and live with my father. Jenny grew more and more dissatisfied and wanted to move closer to her friends in Memphis. However, that time I said NO. I did not know anyone in Memphis, it would put me further from my children, and I had now professional contacts there. She left supposedly on a temporary basis but within a month she applied for a divorce. Our marriage lasted less than 3 years.

24. In 2005, my cancer recurred. Unlike 1992, this time I had surgery, chemo, and radiation. The treatments worked and I have been cancer free since then. However, the cancer and treatments have left me disabled. I have balance problems, right-sided weakness, speech problems, and even some "black outs"… times when I do things that later I do not remember doing. I am also in danger of seizures. In fact, only since the beginning of October have I legally been able to drive due to seizures earlier this year. Upon my father's death in 2007, I inherited the house and I still live in it. Most of my outlet for ministry is the administration of The Cancer Forums, a worldwide, on line forum for people who have or had cancer, their families and friends, and for their care providers.

25. I am busy trying to scan the hundreds of the slides that my father left behind, editing his book about my maternal grandmother's family, and trying to pay the bills. My long term goal is to pay off my depts. I figure I will need to live until I am 100 in order to achieve this goal.

2009-10-10T09:22:00.004-05:00

I was send this video.

As a white man, I am humbled. As a man, I am touched. As a human, I am inspired.

HOW WILL I SUMARIZE MY LIFE?

2009-10-10T03:36:00.002-05:00

Recently, I have been thinking about what I want on my gravestone. It is not an easy task. Have I made a positive impact on my family or friends? Oh, maybe a little. However, there is so much I wish I had done. I know what I need to do and yet I fail to. I guess, down deep, I really do not want to change. So, I am stuck unable or unwilling to move forward.

There is so much I wish I had taught my children! If they have learned anything from me it is what NOT to be as a parent. My own father did not teach me much. I am not blaming him because I knew that I did not want to be like him. Yet here I am living much more in isolation than he ever did. I am torn between what I know I need and what I know I want. I am torn between the knowledge that I need to be with people and the desire to be alone. Other than the forum, an occasion email or phone call, a daily time on FaceBook, and a biweekly outing to the grocery store, I make very little contact with people. I make so many excuses! My cancer; my lack of money for gas and extras; we weakness… There is some validity to these. However, that pales in comparison to my unwillingness to participate in life.

The children's prayer goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray to God my soul to take." This is not my prayer. When I lie in my bed, I often pray: "Now I lay me down to bed. I wish I was died. And if I wake in the morn, I'll wish that I had not been born." Not as sweet as the children's prayer but it is what I wish. I could never or would never actively kill myself, but I do wish I would die.

I want to start all over but I would probably make the same mistakes. I believe we are here to learn something about life. Until now that lesson has eluded me. Therefore, even if I did die and got to start all over, without having learned my lesson in this life, my destiny is to make the same choices until I learn.

So, back to my tombstone… my name, day I was born, day I died, and "Maybe Next Time".

12 Igreja da Misericordia

Olinda, Pernambuco

WHERE IS HOME?

2009-04-23T14:40:00.003-05:00

Dad would be 86 today if he has lived this long. As part of remembering him, I took flowers to his and Mom's graves today. During the drive out there, I was overwhelmed by a sense of belonging to this place. I also remembered how important those trips to the cemetery are to me. I often fantasize about living in Brazil and I do plan to move back to Paducah sometime this year. But if I move, my family (the Hawkins side) will have no more reason to come here. I do have a couple of elderly aunts (in laws) and four cousins how live here. But I rarely see them. Who will visit my father's and mother's graves? Who will place flowers?

Where will I be buried? I always thought next (or near) to my parents. Does that really matter? For some reason, it does. Not that I really believe that it makes a difference in the long run. I will be close to them wherever I am buried. However, it still matters.

Going to the cemetery just reminded me of one more very important thing I will lose when I move and it kind of depressed me.

11 Kermese

MRI REPORT

2009-03-26T16:42:00.004-05:00

Os Cançadores

I am not sure if the news is good or bad or just nonexistent. Last night was very bad. I had a strong aura just 2 hours after taking my medicines. Cousin Emily drove me to the neurosurgeon. The doctor did two things: Ordered an MRI and called the neurologist to get me in before April 14. I am now scheduled for April 2. The doctor also put me on driving restrictions. He told me to limit drastically if not totally the amount of driving that I do until I get these auras under control. I can drive to the grocery store and back is pretty much it for a while. I will talk to my neurologist about how long I will be under that restriction.

We left his office and drove to the Imaging Center and they did an MRI with out and with contrast. Although basically everything was the same as all other MRIs that I have had, there was one difference: the technician asked me if I was going to see the neurosurgeon again. The technician has never asked that so I wondered why he did this time. However, to be clear, the technician never expressed and concern in what he said, in his tone of voice, or in how he treated me. He even joked with me about me being a "MRI Pro" and that I must have earned a degree in "How To Be A Good MRI Patient" by now.

Unfortunately, the answer to his question was "No". My neurosurgeon did not what to see me back. He instructed me to get a CD of the MRI to take with me to my neurologist. The Imaging Center people would fax my neurologist their written report. So, I do not have any official information to give to you today.

As is my custom, I did get a CD of my scan for myself. I have carefully looked at those 100+ images from this MRI and from previous ones. Although I am not an expert, nothing jumped out at me as being different. I did notice an area about 2cm x 1cm that was darker than the previous times... at the site of the original tumor. However, that could be caused by a slightly deeper "cut" this time, exposing some of the choroid plexus (that butterfly looking structure in the middle of the brain as seen from above). I am not overly concerned and will as patiently as I can wait to talk with my neurologist. I think if it was a recurrence, it would have been white.

I hope this does not overly concern you. I appreciate all of your thoughts, messages, and prayers. But right now I really think my auras are a sign of something off with my medicines that the cancer being back.

Give this some time to buffer. It is well worth it.

UPDATE ON MY HEALTH

2009-03-26T05:54:00.004-05:00

Paisagem perto de Caixambú, Minas Gerais

Last Saturday night, I started having my pre-seizure auras. I double up my medication and went to bed thinking I would be fine in the morning. I was fine until mid afternoon when the aura came back. It is hard for me to describe what an aura feels like. However, I have had enough seizures to know what I feel like before one hits me. I have still not had a seizure and the aura has come and gone.

Monday, I already had an appointment with my GP. I was right in thinking that he would refer me to my neurologist. However, I am not sure where the communication broke down but the neurologist's nurse did not understand how important it was for the neurologist to see me ASAP so I am scheduled to see him April 14. I knew that would not do. I was thinking about just going over to his office and saying: "See me now or risk seeing me later in the ER after I have had a seizure." I realized that one of the things he would do is check my medicine blood leave. Since I had doubled up, that would probably return in the therapeutic range. The other thing he would do is call my neurosurgeon to see if he thought an MRI was needed. So, rather than taking that extra step in seeing my neurologist, I called my neurosurgeon who wants to see me today (Thursday) and possibly do an MRI.

All my support system is lined up: My cousin will drive me the 45 miles to St Thomas in Nashville; my wonderful neighbors are looking in on me every day now; and my family has all been notified… although right now there is precious little my family can do for me or that I want them to do.

This has brought to the forefront the issue of where I am living. I have decided, regardless of what is happening now, that I will be living in Paducah be next Christmas.

Next update will be later today when I get back from Nashville.

20090313 BROKE

2009-03-13T14:10:00.004-05:00

8 Pescaria

It has been a long time. I am working on the Hardison Book update. The Hardison family is the family of my maternal grandmother. My father wrote the basic book. I am just scanning it and updating it. I have no plans of really publishing it in hardback form. If I do sell it, it will be as an eBook. But that is a long time in the future.

Right now, I am broke. I have absolutely no money until April 8. I have paid all my bills (I hope) and bought all the food that I need for over one month. However, there is very little left to pay off my depts, entertainment, travelling… I do not even have money for my medicines. It really is bad.

Oh, well. I will manage. I have managed so far.

GOOD COFFEE

2009-02-07T09:41:00.007-06:00

7 Cathedra de São Luiz

Ahh Life is good. The sun is bright and it is slowly getting warmer. After spending a rather cold winter using the central heat only to keep the pipes from freezing it is great to have the house at 65F.

One of the only problems is that I am out of my favorite coffee. I went to the small Hispanic store where I usually get my Café Brustelo and they did not have any and are not planning to get more. I do not like any of the more Americanized coffees. Most people in the USA do not understand the coffee that they drink so here is the fact: It really does not matter where the coffee beans are for; what matters is where the beans are roasted. All US brands, including Starbucks, import their beans and roast them here. They do not roast the beans long enough or in the same way that the beans are roasted in Mexico or Brazil. USA coffee has, therefore, more acidity and cannot be brewed as strongly. It turns out more like a tea made of coffee beans rather than "real" coffee.

I will have to wait until I can find more Brustelo.

--------

I have had several people ask me about tha Franz Kohout waterpantings that I am using. I will eventually use all of the. However, if you would like to see all of the ones that I have, you can go to http://s110.photobucket.com/albums/n119/brazil_nut/Franz%20Kohout/ where I have uploaded all of them.

Depression

2008-12-12T02:58:00.006-06:00

06 Igrejá do Carmo Salvador

This is probably the lowest I have been in many years and I am not sure how much I can or will write in this entry.

I am bipolar. One of my anti-seizure medicines also helps keep my mood level most of the time. However, sometimes nothing works.

Most people do not understand mental disorders in general and Bipolar Disorder specifically. There are three factors that contribute to Bipolar Disorder:

Chemical imbalance in the brain: The brain just does not produce enough of whatever it needs and no amount of treatment will change that deficiency. That is why being bipolar is a lifelong curse. I have been this way since my teen years.
Psychological factors: By this in mean that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Negative feelings get bottled up in my and that just makes the depression and manic phases worse.
A trigger: Often something happens to shift the direction of my mood. If I see the event as positive, I might swing to the manic side. On the other hand, if I see the event as negative, I might swing to the depression side.

I was balancing my checking and credit accounts and found that I will be in the red by the end of the month. I say that is a negative trigger.

Politics

2008-08-14T21:32:00.005-05:00

05 Igreja de Rosário

It is a taboo subject to talk about politics in my family. I think it all started in Brazil where it was inappropriate and sometimes dangerous for us to talk about the subject. However, that is not the full story. My family consists of such a wide variety of political opinions that it is hard to talk politics without getting into a heated debate and most of us are very uncomfortable with confrontations. What I will try to do in this entry it to give a broad stroke view of my political views. I know that for a lot of you this win come as a shock. I do not mean to cause you any pain although I expect some of you will be "concerned".

If there was a Liberal Democratic Party in the United State, I would join it. Neither of the two major parties reflects my beliefs. I will vote Democratic this fall but not with a great deal of confidence that anything will change.

1. I believe as our political AND Baptist forefathers did in the total separation of Religion and State. Certainly, I do not mean that one is not influenced by the other. However, when we start making political decisions that affect everyone based solely on our religious beliefs we have gone too far. Similarly, the State should not tamper with my religious beliefs. This does not mean that if my religion says that it is OK for me to kill someone in revenge that the State should not intercede… but they should intercede to protect the other person and not to try to change my personal beliefs.

2. I am against Capital Punishment in ANY situation. After using the illustration that I did in the previous statement, I feel like this should be the next stand about which I should talk. I value Human life too much to take it. Even if we could kill Hitler and save hundreds of thousands, we have no right to do that.

Corollary: My stand on abortion does not stand as a contradiction. While I do not believe that human life begins at conception it is still a life with the potential of becoming a human being. Nevertheless, while I am against abortions, I am equally strong pro-choice. I cannot imagine a more difficult decision to make than the choice to have or not have an abortion. The only person who should have any say in that choice is the mother. I am making a differentiation that most anti-abortionists do not, cannot, or simply will not make: pro-choice is not synonymous with pro-abortion. I have counseled with many women facing this choice. We talked about how they felt and believed how this choice might affect her lives, other options… but in all cases, the decision had to be theirs and theirs alone.

3. In terms of other social issues and economic issues I am also very liberal… almost a socialist (again making a significant distinction, this time between Socialism and Communism). The gap between the rich and the poor is immoral. I know that for some of you capitalists that gap makes total sense… even if you are among the poor. Maybe we will always have a gap, but that does not mean it is right. How can we call ourselves a "super power" when so many of our citizens are homes, hungry, and/or sick?

Corollary 1, On Health Care: For a country as rich as the US to not have a national health care system is shameful. I am in for a universal health care plan that covers all US citizens and residents.

Corollary 2, On Foreign Policy: Just within the last week, Russian troops invaded the much smaller neighbor state of Georgia. After our continuing military actions in Iraq, were do we find the nerve much less moral ground to object to Russia's action? I am in favor of supporting our troops; I just find this war to be an illegal aggression toward another country.

Well, that should be enough for one day .

First Contact

2008-07-24T05:01:00.007-05:00

Trecho de Ouro Preto, Minas Gerais

If you are a reader of my blog or even if this is your first visit, you already have noticed the water paintings by the artist Franz Kohout I am using at the top of each of my entries. I really did not think that many people read this blog. To my surprise and great joy I received an email from the daughter-in-law of the artists expressing her happiness that I was using these painting. Her husband has a large portfolio of these paintings and she was wondering how I came to have these. I am totally overwhelmed that she found this blog. It just shows how powerful the Internet really is.

This contact just makes this collection so evermore valuable to us. It bring a lot of new and intriguing family history questions. Do we have all 60 of the original copies in this set? How did or parents come to have them in the first place; they were by no means art aficionados.

One intriguing but yet unconfirmed possibility is that Franz Kohout stayed in our home. When we live in Rio and in Tupã, my parents where always willing to hosts people traveling through the area. It is possible the Mr. Kohout was one of those traveler looking for inspiration. We are looking in our parants guest book for his signature.

This seems to be an ever increasing story and I will try to post what we find.

Colonoscopy Journal

2008-07-15T09:08:00.017-05:00

Fundição de Aço, São Paulo

08:45 Tomorrow (July 16, 2008) I am having my first colonoscopy and I intent this entry to be a journal of that experience.

I can only have clear liquids today. At 08:00 I started taking the barium enema. For you who do not know what that is, it is 4 liters of fluid intended to clear out your system prior to the procedure. I am supposed to drink 8oz every 10 minutes. Having taken about 4 glasses so far, I am already slightly nauseated. I really hope I can keep it down.

08:50 I just took my 5 glass and was glad to see that I have already taken about 1/3 of the jug. I still feel slightly nauseated but nothing else so far.

This colonoscopy is just routine since I have no symptoms of colon cancer. But it does make me think: What if they find something? What will I do? I have always said that if my brain cancer recurs again, I will opt for no treatment. But somehow this choice might be even harder… whatever I decide to do. Dying of colon cancer is not a good way to die but neither is going through all that it takes to get an upper hand on colon cancer.

Time for another glass.

09:03 That glass definitely did not go down as easily. I am very nauseated and do not know how much longer I can hold it down or continue this journal.

I am kind of worried about tonight. Will I be able to sleep or will I be in the bathroom all night. This is when living alone is really hard. For one thing, I cannot just stay in bed and have someone bring me the liquid when I need to drink it.

09:15 I just had my first emergency run to the bathroom. I assume it will not be the last. At least it did relieve some of the nausea I was having.

Glass 7 down and stable.

09:26 Second emergency run to the bathroom. I am surprised at how fast this stuff is running through me but I did have a little diarrhea already.

Glass 8 down. Just slightly half way through.

09:40 Third run to the bathroom. This is certainly not what I would call "fun". Nausea is back but not as bad.

Glass 9 down and less than 1/4th of the jug left. Am I taking it right? It seems to be going too fast. The whole jug was supposed to take 4 hours. The instructions for me are: "Drink one glass every 10-15 minutes until the bottle is finished. You may take 4 hours to drink it if needed." I might be taking it too fast.

09:45 Glass 10 down. I will wait 15 min before the next one.

09:55 The liquid coming out is getting clearer so I guess the liquid going in is working :).

10:01 Glass 11 down. No change. Getting tired of running to the bathroom every few minutes :( but otherwise I am alright.

It would be nice if the CancerForums.net had a chatroom. :(

10:20 Glass 12 down and just 1 more left to go. I am feeling extra weak and tired. So I might have to go to bed once I finish the last glass.

10:45 Glass 13 down; none left :D. No let's see you long it takes for the "runs" to end. I need to lie down for a while.

14:47 I have been sleeping most of the time since I last posted. Bathroom trips have slowed but now I am hungry LOL. Jello anybody? :P

16:50 Just finished my "supper"... some chicken broth. Not feeling too well right now. Stomach is churning like a washing machine.

2008 July 16

07:00 Slept well. Got up at 06:00, took my bath, took my meds and am ready for my cousin to come pick me up and take me to the hospital.

12:15 Emily came as planed... 08:45. We were at the hospital by 09:00. The admission process did not take long and I was wheeled in for the colonoscopy by 10:00. The anathesionagist and doctor arrived shortly thereafter and after a brief conversation with each, I don't remember much except a slight abnormal taste in my mouth. I came to in the procedure room feeling as well as I did when I went in. I was back in my room by 11:00.

Test result no polyps, 7 small pockets of diverticulosis, and hemorrhoids.

I was home by 12:00.

Fred Hawkins Family Reunion

2008-07-08T01:11:00.008-05:00

Ladeira do Pelourinho, Salvador, Bahia

What a wonderful time I had at our family reunion just a couple of weeks ago! All of my brothers and my sister were able to be there. Most of the next generation was there too. Three of the four great-grandchildren where there as well. Only my granddaughter was not able to be there because she is still too young to travel.

We went to Gatlinburg, TN and staid in a large condo with rooms for all of us except my nephew; he slept on a couch. I had an absolutely beautiful view of the mountains.

I have often said to people on the Cancer Forums that I like to know my prognosis but only in order to set priorities for the things I still want to do with whatever time I still have left. One of those things was to hike to the top of Mount LeConte and stay at the cabin they have up there ( http://www.leconte-lodge.com/home.html ). While I will never be able to do that, I was able to do the next best thing… hike part of the way there. Due to my balance problems and right-sided weakness, I would not dare try to hike all the way; at places the trail is not more that a foot's width wide. Nevertheless, with my youngest brother (John), I did hike about 2 miles in and back out which is about all the time we had.

In just a few minutes, I go to complete another of the items in my "bucket list"; I will be going with my son to his freshman orientation at the University of Kentucky.

View of Mount LeConte from the house we rented.

Vistas do Brasil Series – Franz Kohout Watercolor Paintings

2008-06-22T06:24:00.005-05:00

A Sé, Olinda, Pernambuco

I am stating a new series of bogs with watercolor of the Brazilian artist Franz Kohout. I am not sure how many he painted. I have 51 copies. Actually, my brother Bill has the original copies but he send me a scanned copy. I wish I knew more about the artist but Google searches have so far led to no specific information. However, it does seem safe to assume from these searches that he was either an immigrant or decedent of immigrants from Czechoslovakia. As I find out more, I will add it to my posts.

Although I know something about some of the paintings, that is not by far the case for a great majority of them. If I do have firsthand knowledge of the subject, my comments will be about the paintings. Otherwise, they will just serve as a threat to tie my bogs together for a very long time.

Home and Life Improvements

2008-05-14T05:15:00.002-05:00

Well, the new roof is finished as are the new widows. The new gutters to on tomorrow… weather permitting. I will post pictures as soon as possible.

In the mean time, I have created a new website and forum to offer support and information to cancer patients, their families, and their care providers. I really do not wish to replace the existing cancerforums.net … only to improve our services. We already have 14,000+ members. Google search "Brain Cancer Support" and the top return will be cancerforums.net . I have offered it to the owner of the existing forum and he would like me to be in a "more formal" relationship with him. Exactly what that means is still unclear. Hopefully, I will hear from him soon. Until then, I will not provide anyone the URLs other than the handful of people helping me develop these sites.

Russia winner Eurovision Song Contest 2008

NEW GRANDAUGHTER

2008-05-09T09:14:00.002-05:00

The big news for the last two months is that I have a new granddaughter. Abby is the daughter of my second oldest daughter, Lauren. I went to be with Lauren almost a week too early because she told me she was "3 inches dilated" (about 8 cm) when she was actually only 3 cm dilated LOL. Anyhow, it was good that I went that early since her mother and our son had a band trip to go on. I was able to be with Lauren and help her. In fact, I drove her to her doctor's appointment where she found out that she would have her baby that very day. I am very happy that I could be there for Abby's birth albeit in the waiting room (Abby's father had arrived shortly after Lauren's admission to the hospital.

One of the wonderful things associated with the birth of Abby is that it gave me a lot of time to spend at the hospital where I served as a Chaplain for about 12 years. I renewed a lot of old acquaintances and had meals with several long-time friends. That time just made me realize how foolish I was to ever leave. Not only did I abandon my children and a crucial time in their lives but I left a good job and wonderful friends. I have never been able to make such good friends again. Certainly, I can never make up for the hurt I caused my children.

Lastly, the remodeling of my house continues. Since I own the house without a mortgage hanging over my head, I was able to take out a home equity loan. I have already reroofed the house. Today, the workers are here to install new windows. Next week, I will get new gutters. That is all the outside work that needs to be done by someone else. That leaves the inside for me to do. As with the first room, I have plans to paint the other rooms one-by-one. Paying off the loan gives me a good reason to live for at least the next eight years, LOL.

Last Things

2008-03-31T10:56:00.002-05:00

I woke up crying this morning after dreaming about going on a trip back to Brazil, the country where I grew up and still deeply love. In the dream, I was at the end of a visit with friends in my "home country." I woke up when I realized that might be my last trip to Brazil. After awaking, I realized that very likely I have already had that last trip back in 1996.

I love Arizona in the late winter and early spring . I have been to Phoenix 3 times... once when I was 12 years old and then twice within the last 10 years. I love Phoenix and would move there if it were not that it is too far away from my kids. Will I ever go back? Probably not.

Life is so full of those types of experiences. Having had cancer and at my age, I am so keenly aware of those opportunities. The last time I visited my Hawkins side of the family in North Carolina was well over 5 years ago. Have I made that trip for the last time? Will I ever visit Europe? Australia? (after all, I now have several friends Downunder ).

Palma in Brazil. There used to be a wooden dam at this place. Dad was the Director of the Baptist Camp located on this farm in the interior of São Paulo State.

EUROVISION SONG CONTEST

2008-03-11T06:34:00.004-05:00

Over the last 2 years, I have become an absolute fan of the Eurovision Song Contest. For you who do not know about it began in the mid 50's and has been going on every year since then. Eurovision Television is an organization much like the Public Broadcasting System here in the US including over 43 countries in from England in the west to Israel in the east.

Each country selects on singer and song to go to the ESC (Eurovision Song Contest). They do it starting at different times. Some start as early as the fall before the finals sometime in May. Other, make their decisions over a smaller time. They also make their selections in different ways. Some use a jury of music experts. Most allow the public to cast votes over the phone or via text messages.

This is really the first year that I have followed the country selection process. The first year I only found out about it after it was over. Last year, I saw the finals on the Internet. This year, I am totally into it, watching all the country selections that are on ESCTV's broadcast over the internet. Below is a video of the winners for the last three years. You can tell that there is a great difference between them.

The country from which the winning song comes gets to host the contest the next year.

Elena Paparizou from Greece winner in 2005

Lordi from Finland winner in 2006

Marija Serifovic from Serbia winner in 2007

Could you see PBS promoting a contest like that? Maybe in time.

Spring is Coming

2008-03-04T15:24:00.002-06:00

For two days in a row, I awoke to the chirping of birds signaling the return of spring. With their sweet, pre dawn melody, they sang about the end of the cold winter and the coming of the warmer spring. I looked out the window and noticed that the maple and oak trees are starting to sprout new growth. They cycle of life continues throughout the seasons.

At the end of March, the Christian world will celebrate Easter and the resurrection of the Christ. I do not think this is an accidental coincidence. Both the Resurrection and spring are messages from God about the never ending potential of Life from Death.

The Internet

2008-03-01T03:31:00.003-06:00

Today was a particularly bad day in terms of my depression. I really do not know why. Maybe the dark, cold, rainy day had something to do with it. Or maybe it is just a case of cabin fever. Maybe it is just that time in my bipolar cycle. Maybe it as all the bills that still need to be paid. Maybe a combination of all of those. I do know that it helped me to chat and work on the Cancer Forum. As dark and sad as the forum work can be at times, it can also be such a source of inspiration, encouragement, and support.

I don't think most counselors give much credit to relationships established on the Internet. The dating sites give this whole issue a very bad name. How can you really find your soul mate on the Internet? Personally, I do not think you can. The future is still to be written about how successful and long term those relationships will be. However, the Internet is a powerful communications instrument, facilitating contacts between individuals from all around the world.

But the one big drawback of any form of written communication is that it is so very hard to communicate feelings. Even the greatest poets have a hard time communicating feelings if their readers do not understand the poetry. If I write that something tasted as sweet as honey but the reader hates honey it as almost the opposite effect than I intended. On top of that, most of us are not great poets or writers of any kind… I know that I certainly am not a good writer.

Anyhow, I guess I am just writing this entry in order to say that I try to keep my blog up to date.

One of Romania's Entries for Eurovision 2008

The Twelfth Day of Christmas

2008-02-22T09:47:00.010-06:00

12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

Epiphany Eve (January 5) was a good day. I was out of my depression and full of hope for the future. After a big breakfast, I did a lot of work on the forum and around the house. I also worked on Steven's scrapbook project. I still have a lot to do on it.

Theological Lesson: As a member of a strongly anti-creedal denomination, I really do not identify with this interpretation of what the 12 Drummers Drumming means. However, I do recognize that a great majority of Christians around the world do use the Apostle's Creed or one of the other creeds on a regular basis as an expression of their faith and beliefs.

I replaced the first version of Paul Potts singing in the preliminaries in order to show that he won the Britain's Got Talent contest... well deserved.

The Eleventh Day of Christmas

2008-02-21T05:36:00.008-06:00

11 Pipers piping refers to the eleven faithful Apostles

It has been a long time and I need to update my cancer situation. I did have an MRI on Tuesday. The doctor said that there was no change. However, this time I got a copy of the CD with my scan on it. I saw a white area where my cancer was. I do not know what it is but surely if I saw it my doctor would have seen it too. I do not think I will worry myself much about it. My doctor does not want to see me again for 8 months this time (it has been every 3-4 months). I have mixed feelings about this result. I sometimes wish that he had said that the cancer was back and that I would die in a few months.

I have a little journal given to me by my kids called "A Father's Legacy." It is not a dated journal but each page has one question. This last week the question I tried to answer was: "What is the most important lesson you have learned in your lifetime?" I really had a hard time with that question because I do not think I have learned anything of any great value… until the other day. I was having an imaginary conversation with my son, Steven. At one point, we were talking about my divorce and how I still think and feel that marrying his mother was a mistake in the first place. He replied: "But if you didn't marry her, I would never have been born."

At first, my reply was defensive. I told him that was a philosophical question (which it is). However, I realized how significant that question really is so I then told him that he was right. If I had married someone else and had a son and named him Steven, that "Steven" would not be him. I then realized the lesson that I have learned:

"Every choice we make, every decision or conclusion we make, changes our future in a very significant and irrevocable way."

So, have I really chosen to live?

Theological Lesson: The eleven faithful apostles. Actually, this reminds me that originally there were twelve. Judas made a choice that affected his life in a very profound way. I am not sure I know what I think of him. Sometimes, I identify with him. I think he is so misunderstood. I do not think he is in Hell right now; I think that Life here was his Hell. Blessed to be in the presence of the Lord, he opted to live in Hell full of pain, anger, and disappointments. I think of the other eleven not as "pipers" but as followers of the "piper"... following blindly and asking no questions... always with the "right" answers. It is harder to be the one with all the doubt and questions and confusion. In so many ways I have made the same choices that Judas did.

So, once again I ask: Have I really chosen to live in this Hell?

The Tenth Day of Christmas

2008-02-08T08:38:00.008-06:00

10 Lords A-leading refers to the Ten Commandments

I do not remember much about January 3. It probably was just another average Thursday… boring, as usual. It is normal for Thursday's not to be very special days. I usually do not have anywhere special to go or anything special to do on Thursdays. Wednesday, are almost always busy days. On the second Wednesday of every month, I have to make sure all of my monthly bills are paid. Every Wednesday is clean up day for me. I clean the house and do other chores. I often go to church Wednesday night. However, on Thursdays I have much less to do.

Ten Commandments: The Ten Commandments do not tend to be of great concern to me. I have accepted the fact that everyone has broken at least some of them. Plus, Christ placed much sticker requirements on us than the Ten Commandments.

Of course, one of the hot issues for the religious right is the placing of the Ten Commandments in public buildings. I know all of their arguments; I just do not agree with them.

I am not saying that the Ten Commandments are simply the Ten Suggestions, but that other things are more important… like mercy, justice, kindness, acceptance, and ultimately Love. If we love God with all of our heart and love others as we love ourselves, the Ten Commandments become superfluous.

The Ninth Day of Christmas

2008-02-05T15:14:00.001-06:00

9 Ladies Dancing stand for the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit

Wednesday after Christmas (January 2), Wednesday, was a great day! I felt good, got up early, worked on the forum, had a big breakfast and lunch. I felt very good so I did a lot… including meditation. It was also the first day that I started to exchange emails with Luciana in Rio. I met her on the Cancer Forum. Her grandmother is sick with Breast Cancer. Your emails are in Portuguese giving me an opportunity to practice writing in my "native" language.

The nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit are:

Love: This is the greatest of all gifts; As Paul said, "the greatest of these is Love."
Joy: Not just happiness, Joy has an element of satisfaction with life. Unfortunately, my depression blocks most experiences of Joy.
Peace: I wish I could experience Peace in my soul and mind. My soul and mind are troubled.
Longsuffering: Patience is also a thing that is hard to learn. We learn patience by going through suffering and who likes that?
Kindness: This is my greatest gift. I have a nature empathic nature… at least I try. I think most members on the Cancer Forum would agree.
Goodness: Hah. Goodness is not my strongest gift. But sometimes I think of goodness as doing what is right. I think every person has made bad choices. I certainly have.
Faithfulness: I think of this a loyalty. I try to be loyal to others but sometimes I fall short. I have disappointed so many people. But faithfulness also means personal integrity.
Gentleness: I think I can be very gentle. But sometimes I think gentleness is just swallowing my negative feelings. Maybe true gentleness needs assertiveness.
Self-control: It might sound like a contradiction, but sometimes I do loss my self-control. I eat the wrong foods; I speak when I probably should shut up; and I can have a temper.

JP Mason Video

The Eight Day Of Christmas

2008-02-01T10:57:00.001-06:00

8 Maids A-Milking stands for the eight beatitudes

New Years Day came and went so fast that I hardly remember anything but football.

New Years Day has always been a slow, relaxing day in my life. Nothing very special; no significant memories associated with it. About the only tradition related to it I got from my ex in-laws: the required eating of black-eyed pees. Supposedly, eating black-eyed pees on New Years Day is required in order to make money during that year. It has not worked so far but I keep trying.

The Eight Beatitudes

Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven
Blessed are the meek for they shall posses the land
Blessed are they who mourn for they shall be comforter
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice for they shall be fed
Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy
Blessed are the clean of heart for the shall see God
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

Several of these jump out at me. The main one is "Blessed are they who mourn." I do not think most people appreciate the value of truly mourning. Cultures that encourage their members to be stoic and to swallow their feelings tend to not be as healthy emotionally as cultures where emotions are openly displayed.

It is hard for me to express negative feelings. I truly believe that is the major cause of my depression. I do not even write my deepest, darkest feelings here… if you can believe that. It would really be a blessing to be able to open up to someone. That is why I like therapy so much, I can open up to my therapist even when I cannot or will not open up to others.

The Seventh Day of Christmas

2008-01-29T06:21:00.001-06:00

7 Swans A- Swimming starts for the 7 Gifts of the Holy Spirit

I finally got out of bed and did a few things around the house. Well, just a little. I did spend some time watching TV but in the living-room this time. I also went outside for the first time in almost a week and walked a while, washed the dishes, did some laundry, and got the mail (bills and junk mail… grrrr).

Gifts of the Spirit: (the underlined portions come from http://www.ourladyswarriors.org/faith/holygift.htm ... I assume this is a Roman Catholic site. I have edited it only to remove the sexist language).

Wisdom: A deep desire for the things of God, and to direct our whole life and all our actions to God's honor and glory. I have the desire but not the strength to carry this through. My life only tangentially honors God in any way… at least not I the traditional Christian understanding. I do think that I try to relate to others in a way that honors God. While not overtly God-directed, in my own mind, my work on the Cancer Forum is bringing honor and glory to God.
Understanding: Enable us to know more clearly the mysteries of faith. Faith is indeed a mystery. Most people really confuse mystery with a sense of knowledge (head knowledge). I do not believe this is a correct understanding of faith.
Counsel: warn us of the deceits of the devil, and of the dangers to salvation. Well, I totally disagree with the literal understanding of this definition. I am not really sure there is a devil… although I am very sure about the reality of Evil. But most people confuse Evil with violation of the commandments or some other standards of measuring behavior. As a counselor, the Holy Spirit helps us understand what is right for our lives. What is right for me may be wrong for you. Unfortunately, it is not easy to know what is right for one's life.
Fortitude: Strengthen us to do the will of God in all things. Certainly, I have not received the strength to do what I think I should. This may mean that I do not really know what the will of God is in my life.
Knowledge: enable us to discover the will of God in all things. Maybe this is the primary gift that I am personally missing the most. This gift is also misunderstood be many. God does not have a concrete plan for all of us to follow. Nor does God define for us an individual plan for our lives. What God tries to do is to help each of us to find our own plan. I wish I had a clue.
Piety: Love God as a Parent and obey God because we love God. My own personal sense is that I have so much internalized and unexpressed anger at God and fear of God that it is hard for me to express true piety. I am only superficially pious.
Fear of the Lord: Have a dread of sin and fear of offending God. I totally disagree with this understanding of what the Fear of the Lord is. It is not dread nor is it to be afraid of God. Fear of the Lord is more in line with reverence and respect. It is recognizing the awesomeness of the Lord and honoring God with our lives.

Christine Anderson
"Hollywood Trainwreck"

http://www.christineanderson.net

The Sixth Day of Christmas

2008-01-21T07:37:00.001-06:00

6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation

Sunday was another day in bed. My excuse was the US Football games on that day. But truthfully, I was still depressed and did not want to get out of bed. Retelling the same old story gets tiring so I can imagine how tiring it is for any reader who happens to check my blog. Unfortunately, when I get depressed, it is like a dark winter day… just one long night. Even praying becomes impossible. I cannot feel anything… no anger, no sadness, no love… just a profound loneliness. I know that my isolation is self-imposed. I just cannot seem to shack it off and do what I know I should do in order to cope with my depression.

The Six Geese a-laying is should remind me of the six days it took God to create the universe. However, I get hung up on the "laying" part because that is all I did. I wish I had thought about and enjoyed God's creation. I wish I had enjoyed others that day. But I did not. I did write an entry to my blog… for the second day of Christmas. I did do some work on the forum so I guess I was already getting a little better. Nevertheless, it took one more day before I got out of bed.

The Fifth Day of Christmas

2008-01-16T21:43:00.001-06:00

5 Golden Rings – 5 books of the Pentateuch

Although 5 Golden Rings sound nice, the fifth day of Christmas (Saturday December 29) was not a good day. The house was so quiet and lonely. A great depression started and lasted for the next four days. For two of them, I did not get out of bed and just watched TV when I was not sleeping. I did not even want to go on to the CancerForums.net site to do some administrative work. I found myself annoyed by some of the new members and their questions… questions that I had answered hundreds of times before… or at least it felt that way. So, I just stayed away.

My financial problems also concerned me. How am I going to pay off my credit card dept? I will not mention here how much I really owe but it is a lot. I am slowly paying it off, but I fear that I will die and not leave any "Gold Rings" for my children. I remember the story of King Midos who touched things and they turned to gold. It seems that everything I touch turns to crap. I know that is not true but sometimes I feel that way.

Theological Message: The 5 books of the Pentateuch (first five books of the Jewish and Christian Scriptures) are books that show the beginning of several important things that still are issues today. Even though I do not believe them to be literally true accounts, they are still significant messages for us to listen to. Just to list a few:

How God created everything we know (even ourselves) from nothing.
How God loves and blesses God's children
How God's children often turn away from God
How God is merciful and brings his children back
How God has given guidance to his children over the years as an expression of God's mercy

The Forth Day of Christmas

2008-01-16T00:25:00.001-06:00

4 Calling bird represent the Four Gospels

December 28 was a great day! All the family was still here so we had fun. It was a day full of joy. For lunch, we went the Dad's favorite restaurant and where we go a lot. Catfish Campus has become a tradition for our family. We also took our traditional siblings picture. Unfortunately, I do not have a copy of that picture yet because I did not take my camera. I know that a lot of you do not think of catfish as a Christmas food. It probably is not for most families. But after years of family reunions at Catfish Campus, it is traditional as Boiled Custard is in my family.

Theological Message: Today, we remember the four Gospels. Some people try to harmonize the four. I do not. I see each as separate. They come from different congregations in the early church. I once had a professor who told us that the four Gospels were like four churches on the same corner. Each church had its own preferences and history and needs. I cannot remember the denominations he associated with each, but his point was that each speaks to a distinct situation and should be considered on their own merits. Comparing them is only useful in recognizing the different messages of each.

Mark (arguably the earliest one) is the shortest of the four. It is also the darkest… especially if you do not accept the last chapter as originally part of the Gospel… no resurrection story. It leaves Jesus in the grave.
Matthew is focused on Jesus as the fulfillment of the Old Testament hopes and promises of the Messiah and the nature of the Kingdom of God. It is clearly written to a Jewish audience.
Luke is the story teller of the four. Luke tries to give a historical context to the life of Jesus. It is written to a Roman, none Jewish audience but who are really interested in facts and need facts to support their belief in Jesus as the Christ.
John is the theologian of the four. John is trying to understand the nature of the Christ and Salvation.

Bottom line, take each Gospel on its own and do not sweet the differences.

The Third Day of Christmas

2008-01-12T05:26:00.001-06:00

3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Love, the Theological Virtues

What I intended to be a twelve day project is turning into a twelve week project. That is alright with me. I enjoy Christmas so much that I do not mind spending 3 months reflecting on its meaning in my life.

Thursday, most of my family arrived. The only member who was absent was Lauren; she could not take time off from work. Nevertheless, Thursday was Christmas for me and the rest of us. They started arriving shortly after lunch. Connie and Steven, Elizabeth and Earl and JP drove here from Western Tennessee. Thursday afternoon, we opened our presents. We had a big laugh because Elizabeth gave me a key chain digital picture frame and I gave her the same thing. What was really funny was that both of us told Connie about our gifts so she already knew we were exchanging the same thing.

Thursday night we went to Franklin to my brother's daughter's house for our meal. Our time together there was very nice and full of laughter. We repeated of tradition of "dirty Santa" gift exchanges. I ended up with a very appropriate gift: a Starbucks Coffee set. The coffee is actually very good. I generally do not like coffee here in the US. Most of the time, it is just coffee tea.

I should mention something about my use of the Twelve Days of Christmas and the theological interpretation I give to each. They are not my own. There is some disagreement about the origin of these associations (i.e., that 3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Love). I do not really believe that these associations have anything to do with the origin of the song. However, I use them because they do remind me of important elements of my beliefs. The Theological Virtues of Faith, Hope and Love are so central to my life that it is hard to imagine living in the absence of them. To be sure, I have struggled with each of these virtues. My Faith is in constant flux. My Hope is easily shaken by life events. My Love is often illusive, fleeing from my presence. However, as with French Hens that do not fly very far, the three Virtues are never very fly too far from me.

The Second Day of Christmas

2008-01-06T18:28:00.001-06:00

2 New Testament and Old Testament

December 26 was a very busy day. I stayed up most of the night getting finished with the house work. I finished my gift shopping and rapping. I did not have time to feel depressed. I also took time to work a while on the CancerForms.net . It is amazing how much time that takes! I know I have said this before, but I really wish I could find someone who would pay me to do what I do.

Two Turtle Doves: That reminds me again of my ex-father-in-law. We would go hunting for doves or at least he would hunt. I would just walk with him.

Awesome Version of "Amazing Grace"

On The First Day of Christmas

2008-01-03T00:52:00.001-06:00

1 True Love refers to God.

Christmas Night was a lonely night but a busy night. I was getting ready for my family to come on the 27^th. I still had so much cleaning to do. I did not think I could ever get it all done. I am a perfectionist and felt hopelessly behind. Why did I not start earlier? I get so frustrated that often I just give up. However, I could not give up because regardless, my family would be here in less than 48 hours!

==============

Partridge (or pheasant or quail) with Pears

~ 2 - 2 to 3 lb. pheasants, halved or quartered
~ 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
~ 1/4 tsp salt
~ 1/4 tsp pepper
~ 1/4 cup butter or margarine
~ 3/4 cup dry white wine
~ 3/4 cup light cream
~ 3 egg yolks, beaten
~ 3 tbsp butter or margarine
~ 2 pears, cored and cut into wedges
~ 1 tsp sugar

Combine flour, salt and pepper in a plastic bag. Add pheasant pieces one at a time; shake to coat.

In a skillet, heat 1/4 cup butter. Brown pheasant pieces on all sides.

Add the wine. Cover and simmer 45-55 minutes or until tender.

Remove to a platter and keep warm.

Sauce

Combine the cream and egg yolks.

Slowly stir into pan drippings and cook over medium heat until just thickened stirring constantly. Do Not Boil.

Sautéed Pears

In a skillet, melt 3 tbsp butter. Add the pear wedges.

Sprinkle with sugar. Cook, turning often, until lightly browned.

Pass the sauce with the pheasant. Sprinkle with paprika if desired.

Serve with the pears.

===========

I have not tried this recipe but it sounds very good.

Saturday Before Christmas

2007-12-22T21:51:00.001-06:00

Twas the Saturday before Christmas and all through the house all the creature were stirring… even the mouse… well, not exactly. It is more like a regular Saturday than I would like. I wish my back were not hurting so much. I still have so much to do before the big day arrives. A lot of what I need to do involves heavy lifting… not exactly the right thing to do if my back is hurting.

Preparing For Christmas

2007-12-21T15:53:00.001-06:00

I just need to take a break to post a message. I have been working hard to clean the house, but up the Christmas tree, and decorate the house but I still have so much to do. It does not look like I have done anything. However, I have made at least 10 trips to the dump with junk. I still have several more trips to make. I only have a 5 more days before everyone gets here.

I went to Paducah for 3 days earlier this week. My main reasons for going were to see Steven, hopefully to see Lauren, and to pick up my fruit order from the band fundraiser. However, I also almost finished my Christmas shopping. The rest should arrive in the mail since I ordered the rest online.

That is about it for now.

Merry Christmas

The Dark Cloud Covered The Sun

2007-12-08T04:58:00.001-06:00

I am starting today's entry without first writing a title for this post. That is because I am totally unfocused today. It has been a lonely, quiet, slow, empty day. Oh, I had a lot to do and I did a lot of work yesterday but I just seems so mundane to me. OK, so the garage is a little cleaner, the basement does not have as many boxes, the Christmas decorations a partly up. The only job that I can say is totally done is the dishes have been washed, dried, and put away… not a small achievement for me. But the house is still a mess and time is running out.

I can feel my depression growing stronger within my chest. Like a dark cloud covering the sun, my days seem danker. A friend of mine on the cancer forums wrote an entry the other day in which she described her day as "walking through the quiet halls of the forum." That is exactly what the last few days have been like. Yes, there has been some activity but not like before.

The Sound Of Silence

Christmas Is Near

2007-12-07T04:41:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, I braved the cold to put up some outdoor Christmas lights. I bought some lights a couple of years ago and an "after Christmas sale" but did not use them last Christmas. None of us really felt like decorating the house last year so soon after Dad's death. But this year things are different. My siblings and children will be here for at least a short time during the Holidays and I do want to make the house as welcoming as I can. So, I have put up some of the lights. I have enough lights to go across the entire front of the house but only can safely reach around the porch. The rest is too high and I do not have access to a long enough ladder. Even if I did have a ladder, putting up lights would be dangerous in my present condition. I have balance problems that prevent me from climbing too high about ground.

Outside, I still need to do some leaf cleaning. The dick if full of leaves that I really should try to put into bags so the trash people will take them away.

I have been making daily trips to the dump taking old boxes of binders and other junk in the basement. I found out that they do take old TV's and computer accessories. I will take a car full after the dump opens later this morning.

Yesterday, I also changed the oil in the car. When I went to pay, I found that I did not have my wallet. Oops. I had already driven to the dumb so I am glad I was not stopped by the police and asked to show them my driver's license. The guys at the oil changing place were very nice and let my return to the house to get my wallet.

I am listening to Christmas songs now.

Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

2007-12-04T02:45:00.001-06:00

In my last post I said that I was able to stop the spiraling decent into the depth's of depression. I may have spoken too soon. Yesterday, for the first time in many weeks I went to bed much earlier than what has been normal for me and I did not want to get out of bed. I had to force myself out. I did not accomplish much either. Got a few cloths done but that is all the house work I did. I worked on the Cancer Forums for a while, but my heart was not really into it. I want to go to bed now, but it is way too early for that and it would not solve anything.

I look back a couple of days and am amazed that the person who posted that message is the same person who is posting this one.

I did start to write a database to use for a medical journal. I think I will work on that for a while. And maybe do some more work in the basement. The forum is quiet tonight anyhow.

Yes, I am in an Aimee Mann Mood

A Very Stressful Weekend

2007-12-03T03:11:00.001-06:00

This was supposed to be a good weekend. Sunday has the first Sunday of Advent which is a very special time of the year for me. It is a season to remember and a season for preparing ourselves for the coming of Christ. Sunday morning was just that. Although it was raining it was otherwise a great morning. Even the rain was a blessing after such a dry summer.

However, Saturday night was not so good. I hope that you understand that I can and will write almost anything that only pertains to me. However, even though I am not legally or religiously obligated, I still hold confidentiality as a high value. So I can only write very briefly about what happened. It actually began several days ago when I approved the post of a new member. Although I did not see it as such, I have come to the conclusion that it was a violation of our policies. However, before I came to see that, the situation escalated and members where hurt. The tension and anxiety I felt almost sent me spiraling into depression when one of our most valuable members said he/she what to be removed from any connection to our forum. However, with the help of other members, I soon saw the reality of the situation: I had allowed someone to violate our Policies. Once I realized that, the next step was clear to me and by doing the right thing I kept myself from that deep and painful depression. The issue is still not totally resolved but we are moving forward. I know this message does not make much sense to you because I cannot give you more details. Suffice it to say, it has a very stressful weekend… but it is also the beginning of the new Church Year and that is good.

I thing "Wise Up" is appropriate for this weekend.

My Life Schedule Is Reversed

2007-12-01T05:26:00.001-06:00

Most reasonable people are asleep as I write this. Some are already getting up to go to work. I will only go to bed around Noon and sleep until 5 pm. I have always been a night owl. For many years I was the evening Chaplain at Western Baptist Hospital. Most recently I worked the 3^rd shift at Wal-Mart. Since Dad died I have often stayed awake until at least 2 am. Gradually, I have stayed awake later and later. For several days I have had increasing problems falling asleep. It seemed like I could not sleep until sunrise. This week I found myself staying awake until the sun was high in the sky. As I tried to go to bed, I saw a lot of house work still to be done… the pantry needed to be cleaned, dishes needed to be washed, furniture and furnishing needed to go into the yellow room, laundry needed to be done, carpets needed to be vacuumed. Before I knew what was happening it was noon and I was still awake. Today I still have a lot of work to do. I made stew yesterday and I need to put the leftovers away before I go to sleep. Mind you, I am not complaining. The remarkable thing about it is that when I do go to bed, I sleep like a baby! And when I wake up at 5 or 6 pm I am fully rested and want to get out of bed whereas before I just wanted to sleep all night and then all day too. I do not what to change back. This schedule may sound very unorthodox. However, it works for me.

Am I in a manic phase? I do not know that for sure. It is hard to be your own therapist. It does not feel like I am manic. I am not trying to do everything perfectly. I do feel a great deal of anxiety about how the house looks and that Christmas is just a few short weeks away. In less than four weeks my siblings, children, grand-child, and ex-wife will be here and so much needs to be done.

Yesterday, I took out all the sheets from the closet and sorted them according to the bed(s) they went on. I was amazed to find so few that will fit the yellow room bed… and all of them are pink. But I do not have the money to buy new ones so pink it is… at least for a while.
The basement is still full of boxes. If my siblings bring their children, the basement is certainly where they will want to go. But cleaning it will be a giant task. I have hardly made a dent in it. Without a pickup truck it is so hard to take thing anywhere.
I did fix the kitchen faucet which started to drip none stop. That leaves the bathtub faucet and sink faucets to fix.

I could go on and on. If I were in a manic phase I would try to do them all. I will do what I can and live around the rest. But my new life schedule is helping.

Ahh, to be young again

Medical Journal Format

2007-11-28T23:13:00.001-06:00

Since shortly after I was first diagnosed in 1992, I have kept a medical journal for myself, then for my mother and father. Others have expressed interest in it so I have decided to post my format. If I had the knowhow, I would like to write a program to use it with a program that could be used in a Palm type device and sell if you US$19 a copy. But here is the basic outline of my hard copy version.

Personal Information
- Name
- Address
- Phone Numbers
- Birthday
- Know allergies and associated reactions
- Blood-type
Emergency Contact Information
- Name
- Address
- Phone Numbers
- Authorization(s) (Health Care Surrogate, Power of Attorney, Living Power of Attorney, Living Will)
Current list of medications including nutritional supplements and alternative medicines
Current list or doctors with addresses and phone numbers
- Primary Care Physician
- Neurologist
- Oncologist
- Neurosurgeon
- Internal Medicine
- Infectious Diseases
- Dentist
- Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
- Ob/Gyn
Past Medical history
- Childhood illnesses
- Past surgeries
- Past major illness
- Miscellaneous medical information such as dental care, vision, or hearing issues.
On-going Medical Journal Entries
Questions and Answers

Primary Care Physician
Neurologist
Oncologist
Neurosurgeon
Internal Medicine
Infectious Diseases
Dentist
Ophthalmologist/Optometrist
Ob/Gyn

Appointments

Hope this is helpful to everyone.

I have been a fan of Aimee Mann for several years now.

She is wonderful!!

An Unevent Full Day

2007-11-25T01:42:00.001-06:00

Friday and Saturday were not very spectacular days but full of activities.

Most of what I did was on the Cancer Forums. That does take a lot of time. Of our current 16,000+ members, only about 25% have posted at least one message. I am sure that number will be more like 10% if my helpers and I did not delete so many of them. I personally delete at least 50 a day because they contain links to pornography or are advertizing something. I cannot understand how they can register without actually having a human being do the registration… at least part of the way. The last step in the registration process is to enter a certain combinations of letters and number that are masked so that computers are supposed to not be able to read them. I guess as long as there is cheap labor somewhere in the world, there will always be people to enter that code.

The bedroom refinishing project has entered its final phase but its slowest phase as well. I am trying to find wall decorations and furniture for it. Unfortunately, I do not have money to buy any new items. I do have plenty of old things I can use. Unfortunately, there are not up-to-date with the Home Network standards.

I did my monthly grocery shopping on Friday. Fortunately, everyone was across town at Wal-Mart and not on this side of town at Kroger's so the lines were about normal for a Friday evening. I was out of so many basic things that I did need to spend a lot of money. However, I might not have to go to the grocery store again until mid December.

The small stain glass project is now done. All that I need to do is clean off is glass. I am having second thoughts about selling that equipment. It is a possible way for me to make some of the objects with which to decorate the house. I don't know… maybe that is the manic side of me thinking that I can do that too. I know that I can do the stained glass work. The real question is: "Will I?"

Netflix has a feature that I enjoy; I can watch movies instantly rather than waiting for them to arrive in the mail. I took advantage of that feature Friday night and watched the biography of Thomas Merton… one of my spiritual guides. The movies are not first run movies. To see anything close to current I still have to wait for the mailman.

I backed a couple of pumpkin pies and took one over to my new neighbors as a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" gift. They seem to be a nice family with two middle school age kids. Of course, they do make more noise than Mrs. Mary. Since the side door to their house is just 30 feet from my bedroom window, noise may be an issue later next year when they spend more time outside. Hopefully it will not be a problem.

Anyhow, as you can see, I had much to do but little to write home about. Fortunately, few people visit my blog, hehehe.

I listened to Aida today on PBS. This clip is of Luciano Pavarotti singing a part of that opera. Of course, Pavarotti died earlier this fall of Pancreatic Cancer.

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T00:51:00.001-06:00

This is the first Thanksgiving were I am totally alone. Last year, at least some of my siblings were here for part of the weekend. Dad had died just two months before so we gathered to divide the personal property and to talk about what next. It is not just being alone that I have to fight… it is also being lonely.

I was fortunate to have Elizabeth, Earl, and JP stop on their way to Earl's parent's home. I meet them at the restaurant at the intersection with I-65 so they could eat a Thanksgiving dinner with me and for me to hold JP. He is 4 ½ months old now and he has grown so much. I held him all through the meal and did not want to give him back for them to leave. That was my Thanksgiving J. I am very thankful that JP is part of our family. I do feel blessed.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite Holiday… at least since I returned to the US. I owe a lot of that to Connie's parents. They adopted me when my parents were still in Brazil. I do love them even if I am not married to Connie anymore. I remember the Thanksgiving morning tradition of going "hunting" with Paul (Connie's father). The Fall weather in Western Tennessee is so nice. We usually just walked, hoping that the dog would flush out some doves for Paul to take a shot at. I remember him shooting his shotgun but, to my knowledge, he never killed anything. Then, we would drive around a little before going home.

By the time we got back, the women were a hubbub of activity in the kitchen. Uncles and Aunts, siblings and cousins would start to arrive throughout the day. There was always the visit to "the other side of the family." Most often, we ate with Joyce's family and visited with Paul's. We would get together with them later in the weekend to eat again.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE

Update On The Remodeling

2007-11-19T22:54:00.001-06:00

I finally finished painting the room. I still need to clean the carpet and move back the furniture. In fact, this could be the hardest part of remodeling… deciding how to re-decorate the room. Do I put a new border? What pictures do I put in there? What about curtains? These questions and many others like them are not my strong suit. Plus the fact that I am very limited financially means that I have to make use of the items I already have. But the curtains really do need to be replaced.

Here are some more lessons for the rest of you first timers.

One can of primer and one can of your tented paint is cheaper than two cans of tented paint.

Corollary: Two coats of a cheap primer are better than one coat of expensive primer. This might take longer. However, you will not regret spending the time and effort… especially if you are painting a dark room a lighter color.

A sheet of plastic drop cloth is cheaper than repainting a bed or replacing carpet.
Use one roller for the primer and one for the tented paint. Two rollers are cheaper in the long run than trying to wash one roller. You will never totally clean the roller anyhow so why not start fresh?
A role (or two) of blue painter's tape is easier to apply than repainting the floorboards or window/door frames. However, as I learned, the tape CAN and DOES pull off the paint. I do not know if I did something wrong. Maybe the wood was painted with the wrong type of paint originally. I know that some paints do not adhere to other types of paint. Nevertheless, I ended up pulling off a significant amount of paint. In a previous life, I would try to paint the wood again. However, I think I will wait until at least after my Christmas guest leave.
A second person to help is cheaper than a trip to the Emergency Room. If you have problems with balance, do not try to paint using a step stool or a ladder. Get someone to help you or at least someone to call 911 for you. I was just lucky. More than once I almost fell because of my balance problem.

Corollary 1: Maintain three points of contact at all times (two feet and one hand or two hands and a foot). I learned this at a COPE class one summer at Boy Scout Camp with my son. Of course, in that case, one of our points of contact was the rope holding us up.
Corollary 2: A wet, freshly painted wall is not a good choice for any of your points of contact unless you like paint on your hand and just needed to paint that wall again.
Corollary 3: A ceiling can help you maintain your balance unless you have just overlooked what I said in Corollary 2.

Two cans of primary are cheaper than one can plus a trip back to the store to by a second one. Most cans of any paint list you much you can expect that paint to cover. Usually, that figure is pretty accurate if you calculate the square footage right and add 100 square feet to the result. The room I was painting was roughly a 12ft x 12ft room with 8ft ceilings. Therefore, I was painting 384 sq. ft of walls. Add 100 to that and you get 484 sq ft. A gallon of the primer and paint I used said they would cover 400 sq. ft. So, I bought two gallons of each. It took well over 1 ½ gallons of the primer and just a little over one gallon of the tinted paint.

Before

After

Back to work on the Cancer Forums for a while.

I am not sure why I like Apocalyptica so much, but I do. I am just amazed at what they can do with Cellos. It is acid rock on a Cello.

It Was a Good Weekend

2007-11-12T02:39:00.001-06:00

My weekend actually started Friday morning at 10 am when I got up. I did not go back to bed until Saturday night at 9pm. I did this intentionally. I am usually up most of the night only going to bed sometimes when it is 4 am. Friday, I worked in the room I am repainting. So, I just stayed up rather than going to bed.

Saturday was such a beautiful day! My neighbor and I raked up the leaves in our yards. Unfortunately, half of the leaves are still on the trees, so we will have to do it again. The leaves are so beautiful in the fall, but I am very glad when they are gone.

Saturday I also had to finalize a sermon for Sunday. My Cousin Emily is a minister at a nearby Presbyterian church. When she needs to leave town, she often asks me to preach in her place. In September I had an opportunity to preach. However, at the end of that service I swore that would be the last time I would preach. Some days my stuttering is very bad. That Sunday was one of the worse days. To start off with, I am barely accustomed to the liturgy in a Presbyterian church so I have to read all of the prayers, readings, hymns, and the Apostolic Creed. I could not focus. I stuttered so badly that I am amazed that anyone got anything out of the service. So when Emily called last weekend and asked if I would preach for her, I almost said "No." I did tell her about my speech problem but she told me that the members of her church had specifically suggested that she call me. For some reason, they like me. Go figure.

I worked on and off all week getting the sermon ready. On Wednesday, Emily brought me the bulletin for this Sunday. Friday night and Saturday, I transposed it to a MS Publisher booklet and wrote out every single word that I would need to read or say… including my prayers and sermon. I made the letters much larger so that it was easier for me to see. Then, at 9 pm, I took my medicines and went to bed so that I was well rested. I am not sure what worked (more preparation, more rest, less stuttering), but the service was so much better. Kind of makes me wish I could preach more often.

At church I met this lovely older lady named Missy (or at least that is what everyone called her). I had mentioned their beautiful stain glass windows during the service and that my father had made the stain glass windows for Northside Baptist Church. She started talking about that and that she too did stain glass windows. In fact, she is part of an arts guild here in Columbia that teaches people how to work with stain glass. I asked her if she knew anyone who might what to buy Dad's left over tools, glass, and other stain glass related items. She did and the guy called me and will be coming this afternoon to take a look at what I have. Hopefully, soon all of the glass will be gone.

So, in more ways than one this was a great weekend.

One of Dad's Windows at Northside Baptist Church

Remodeling Day 2?

2007-11-10T04:23:00.001-06:00

Last time I told you how I was not going to bite off more than I could chew and just do one room at a time, remember? Well, hehe, it turns out that one room is almost more than I can chew. So far I have worked over 8 hours on that one room. First, I had to take a lot of things out and dump them into other rooms. I cannot even see my bed now. The couch is beckoning me J. I will need to clean it off too LOL.

However, what has taken an amazing amount of time is taking of the wallpaper border across the top of this 12 by 12 room. Let me give all of you "this old house" wanabees some basic instructions. If you think it is an easy task that anyone should be able to do, think again. If you cannot get or pay someone to do your wallpaper border removal for you, here as some suggestions:

Don't use the wallpaper glue softener that comes as a thick pasty substance. I have used it in two forms:

The first way this substance is available is in a nice plastic bottle with a sponge roller attachment. It looks like it should do the job and in the hands of an expert it probably does. It looks very tempting. Save your money and move on. The problem is that it turns out to be very messy and it is hard to know when you have applied enough.

The second way this substance is available is in a squirt bottle familiar to anyone who has ever done anything do to with cleaner. I found that the instructions on the bottle would best be used if you are working on removing wallpaper that is covering the whole wall. However, it too is rather messy if you are trying to remove just a border

Regardless of the type or age of the wallpaper, do not even start without using the specially made tool to punch pin holes into the paper. I thought that since the paper I was trying to remove was not a vinyl wallpaper that I could skip this step. I was wrong.

I ended up using the second product but had to change how I applied it. I used a wet sponge. I squired the blue gel onto the sponge and then dabbed it onto the paper. By dabbing rather than rubbing I was able to see how much of the gel I had actually applied. Be generous; it will not pay to be stingy.

One last note about the type of wallpaper glue softener you should us. I did not use it this time but I remember years ago that there was a concentrated substance that we mixed with water at home. That might still be the best way to do the job.

The instructions on the bottle say to wait 15 minutes. If you do as I did and go around the whole 12 x 12 room at once, it will take much longer than 15 minutes and the paper will be dry as a bone. I found that I could only work on 6 ft sections at a time and I still had problems. I had to reapply the blue gel several times.

Be patient. It does not pay to rush. If you try to remove the paper too soon, you will separate the top layer of paper but leave a very thin layer of paper behind. While that layer easily absorbs the blue gel, it does not come off it one piece but in many very small and gluey pieces.

Be sure to wash off the wall after all or most of the paper is off. I did this twice.
1. The first time I alternated between the sponge with some of the blue gel on it to soften any remaining glue with a clean green and yellow sponge using the green, scraping side. Again, I worked on 6 ft sections at a time.
2. The second time, I only used the yellow side of the sponge just to make sure all traces of glue and bleu gel where gone.

Again, be patient. Allot twice as much time to this talk than you could ever imagine and you might get it done an hour later.

What It Looks Like Now

A Great Day To Start Remodeling

2007-11-08T21:45:00.001-06:00

Well, I have started. The house has not had a room in it remodeled since before my parents moved in… and that was almost 20 years ago. I am starting slow, which is unusual for me. I suffer for a self-diagnosed bipolar disorder. Usually when I am in one of my Manic periods I take on too much and spend more money than I really should or can spend. This time, I am under medication to help control those swings in my mood. I only purchased to cans of paint and the brushes I need to paint one of the three bedrooms in the house. I will start with the smallest and go from there. Wish me luck.

A New Approach

2007-11-08T20:20:00.001-06:00

I have decided to make better use of this blog and not post a continuation of my story on the CancerForums.net. I will still make significant contributions to the CF and stay as active as possible with them. Nevertheless, it is just as easy to post to this blog and will not make my story so dominant of the stories of others. This is at least my current thinking J.

It Has Now Been 15 Years

2007-11-07T01:22:00.001-06:00

Well, it is official. I have survived 15 years post diagnosis of Primary Brain Cancer (glioma). I will not lie to myself and say that it has been an easy 15 years because it has not. Especially since the move here in 2003 and the recurrence in June of 2005. I have not been able to find a good job which I can actually do. The damage to my brain has caused me some significant problems: weakness in my right arm and hand, trouble speaking, harder time remembering this, imbalance, and increased mood swings to name just a few.

But I am here. I am not sure why. I do help people on http://cancerforums.net/index.php and I think they appreciate what I do. However, often I suffer from survivor's guilt. I ask: "Why do I live and that father in his late 30's with a baby will die soon?" It haunts me so nights. I stay awake wishing God (who ever that is) would just take my remaining days and give it to someone who would make better use of it.

I did live long enough to see both of my daughters get married, to help me son earn his Eagle Scout rank, and to see my first grandbaby. Of those things, I am grateful. If I live one more year, I will get to see my second grandchild and see my son graduate from High School. I am very proud of me children and the young adults they have become.

I will try to blog more often this year ;)

Time Flies When You Are Having Fun

2007-10-22T01:32:00.001-05:00

I am a grandfather:

I cannot believe how long it has been since the last time I updated my blog! So much has happened that it is hard even to know where to start. I guess I will start with the most important thing first. I am a grandfather. My oldest daughter gave birth to a son on July 1 just as I predicted. That means that in a few days he will be 4 months old. His name is James Paul (JP for short) and he is named after his great-grandfather on both sides of his family. The only problem is that he lives 4 hours away from me and it is not easy for me to get there.

My second daughter is now pregnant and will give birth sometime in April 2008. I cannot believe that I will be the first of my father's children to have two grandchildren.

I am disabled:

The cancer has taken its toll on me.

I have right sided weakness. My neurologist says that the nerves to my right arm and hand were damaged by the chemotherapy and the damage caused by my surgery has caused some loss of communication between my brain and my right side.
I tend to stutter more. I tied to preach a few weeks ago and could barely get through the sermon. It is very frustrating not to be able to speak clearly. So, I remain silent, communicating by email and sms more.
I have lost my balance. I cannot climb ladders for fear that I might fall again. I stumble and cannot walk a straight line.
I have experienced long periods of memory loss. It is not short term memory or even long term memory that is affected. It is gaps in my memory. I do things, significant things, and have absolutely no memory of doing them.

Despite all of this, if you only saw me, you could not tell that anything is wrong with me. I think people look at me and say: "He is disabled? I don't believe him." It is very frustrating to think that people do not believe me.

It is also hard on the budget. I live with the lights off, rarely use the TV, use as little water as possible, all in an attempt to save money so that I can pay the doctor bills and property taxes. I might end up having to sell the house I inherited from my father. I dent to eat poorly and really hate to waist anything. If it is not growing mold, I will eat it.

I am very active on The Cancer Forums:

Until just this month, I was the primary Administrator of the Cancer Forums. Although I am not the owner of that site, I was its most active member and did a lot of the administration of the site. That site has really started to grow into a wonderful community, offering patients, families, and friends information and support. Currently, we have over 15,500 registered members although many of them are not active.

My son has finished his Eagle Scout project and turned in the paperwork:

My son has almost earned his Eagle Scout rank. All that he lacks is to have a Board of Review. We are very proud of him because he did it all by himself.

One regret that I have is that we never had a chance to participate in a large event such as a World Jamboree or the PanAmerican Jamboree. He was too young for the PanAmerican Jamboree and we could not afford the World Jamboree. We did not even make it to Philmont but I think these were more my dreams than they were Steven's.

Fred Lee Hawkins, Jr... Fall 2006

2007-05-07T17:13:00.000-05:00

Troubling Times

2007-05-07T16:49:00.001-05:00

I have not made an entry in almost a year. Shame, shame on me :D

Much has happened during this last year. The most critical event was the death of my father in September of 2006. He died of complications of Leukemia. Our relationship was complex, to say the least! He and I were too much alike in some ways and too different in other ways. Both of us have difficulty expressing our feelings, so we did not talk very much. He was a conservative man… I am a liberal man. I held a long-term grudge against him and I am sure he had his own issues with me. None of these issues were resolved before his death and I am not sure that I am all that sorry that we left so much unsaid between us.

My father was a very productive man. During his life time he did so much that was good and admirable… I did tell him how much I admired him for all the things he accomplished. On the other hand, I do not feel like I have accomplished much at all. I start many projects (like this blog), but lose interest soon. It is becoming harder and harder for me to maintain focused on any activity. Since my teenage years, I have had greater than normal mood swings going from almost Manic to Depression in a very short time. However, these swings have become greater than "normal". I do not know how much to attribute to life changes and the cancer or how much to attribute to clinical Manic-Depression.

My last mood swing toward depression came when I read on the Internet about the shootings at Virginia Tech. I kept wishing that I could have taken the place of one of those young people who died so senselessly. They had all of their lives to look forward to living as productive members of our society. What do I have to offer? I know that unless I am hit by a car, I will probably die due to a recurrence of my cancer. OK, so I might have 5-7 years before that happens. So let me use it productively. Somehow, I am not convinced.

I am doing what I can to help myself live. I have been to the doctor twice this week and I do have follow-ups scheduled. I take my medication on time. I started anti-depressant just this week so it is too early to judge whether it will help or not.

Of most concern to me are some significant memory losses I have had over the last year. Two were extensive last over 30 minutes each. Then I have had many others that are fairly brief… less than 30 minutes. How many exactly, I do not know. The most extensive one was this last Sunday when I drove over 45 miles but do not remember any of the trip. I know that we all daydream on a long stretch of Interstate from time to time. But this trip involved changing lanes, merging onto different roads, crossing traffic. I do not remember any of it! I made the trip in 40 minutes… a trip that usually takes at least 50 minutes going at 75 mph on the Interstate! I must have been flying!! The neurologist wants me to have another MRI but he doesn't think my insurance will pay since I had one in February.

Anyhow, that is all the news worth blogging about for today. I will try to be more faithful in blogging... if I can remember too LOL.

Well, Italy moves own

2006-07-04T16:42:00.001-05:00

Italy, after beating the USA, Brazil, and now Germany moves on to the finals. I would have bet on any of the three teams against Italy. I did not think they were nearly as good as Brazil or Germany. But the score tells the story. I think Italy will win the World Cup this time.

A Good Day

2005-12-20T23:30:00.000-06:00

My sinuses flared up over the week end, so I did not have chemo yesterday. However, I felt much better today and had my third treatment. So far, I have not felt anything, my hair is still as it was, and my right side continues to work normally.

I have even been able to do some work around the house. Unfortunately, I have just created more work for myself. Plumbing SHOULD be easy! For me, it hardly ever is. I can start a job the SHOULD last only an hour and spend days at it.

But mostly, the day has been good.

1. I have had the opportunity to post to all my boards and have some significant impact on at least two of them.

2. Elizabeth and Earl arrived around 9pm. We had a wonderful time talking. It is so good to be back in the family.

3. I called Jenny to get her new address and we had a very good conversation. She is doing well. Emma is with her this week so they are having fun.

The Brain Is A Fascinating Organ

2005-12-16T01:06:00.000-06:00

The brain is a fascinating organ. Parts of it control almost every part of our lives. For example, right hand dexterity. Let’s take a simple task: taking a drink of coffee from a mug. Since I am not an expert (yet), I may not know all that the names of all the parts of the brain… nor which part controls what. However, I have learned a little.

When the surgeon removed a 2in wide, 2in long, and 4in deep section from the top left side of my brain due to cancer, I could hardly raise I right arm. The section removed is called the "pre-motor strip."

Back to the cup of coffee…. As I began to re-train my brain, I noticed how many steps are involved in what, up till then, I assumed was a simple task. First, part of your brain has to decide that you want a drink. Maybe it received a signal from the part of the brain that interprets smells… which intern connects with your memory… childhood memories of smelling coffee roasting at the nearby coffee processing factory are mine. Or maybe it was a signal from our stomach says: “I’m empty”. There are hundreds of other signals and memories that might trigger your brain to say: “I want a drink of coffee.” That, my friends, is just Step 1!

You have decided to take a drink of coffee. That decision sets off a second string of events. The part of the brain that decided to take a drink must issue orders to the part of the brain that controls the muscles in your arm and hand. Guess what? Those orders do not go directly to the appropriate muscles control center. They are passed along by the pre-motor strip!!!! (Read above). And the order is not simply to “Pick up the cup.” It is very complex: What muscles do I need use? How do I hold the cup? (by the handle and by wrapping fingers around the mug?) How firmly do I need to hold it? How far do I need to extend my arm to get the cup? Where is my mouth? How much force do I need to apply to raise said cup to my mouth? This is only part of Step 2.

Now, damage or remove the pre-motor strip!

Your frontal lobe (with input from various other parts of the brain) makes the decisions and issues the orders to take a drink of coffee, but nothing happens. In frustration, you try to make it happen by thinking harder, but nothing happens. However, over the next few days, your brain relearns and you are able to do Step 2 at least semi correctly.

Ok, you have the cup in your hand. You are still learning how to get the coffee to your mouth without spilling it in your lap, but each day you are improving. You have even re-mastered the art of halting the cup a fraction of an inch from your month so that the area right above your upper lip and front of our nose can send a signal to your brain about the coffee’s temperature. Your brain issues new orders to proceed and you take a drink. You have successfully completed Step 3.

But wait. You are not finished yet. The cup is still in your mouth. Similar to Step 1, various parts of the brain are involved in the decision that you have had enough. And as in Step 2, the brain issues orders to lower the cup. All of these sub-steps form Step 4.

At about the time you get the cup down onto the hospital’s beside table, someone comes in: Maybe a friend, maybe a family member, or, if you are really lucky, maybe your doctor, :lol:. You talk for a while and forget that what used to be an order your brain issued to your hand without you hardly noticing it, did not get through: “Let go of the cup, dummy!!!” Letting gravity have its way, you allow your arm to drop onto the bed… cup still firmly in your hand but with hot coffee on your lap.

Step 5: “Let go of the cup, dummy!!!” :lol:

I Choose To Believe

2005-12-11T23:12:00.000-06:00

This has been a wonderful day! It actually started last night. I stayed up until after 4am reading information about Christine Anderson. I am so impressed! I understand her music, lyrics, and spirituality so much better now. I also caught up on my other forums. Leo has fixed the Cancer Forum. The night before, a group of individuals took over the Forum making it useless to us who need it. At the same time, I “discovered” (I already knew about it so it was more like re-discovery), KCRW out of Santa Monica College in California. It is a wonderful place to listen to new and less pop music… including a lot of music from Brazilian artists. When I got up at 11am, I felt like a new man! I felt so refreshed… the meaning of Life was rejuvenated. I certainly do not understand what happened.

This afternoon, I had my first significant IM conversation with A-J (an English Aimee fan) in several weeks. It was nice to talk to her.

The downer for today was hearing that Senator McCarthy died yesterday. His death, no, memories of his life, prompted me to write a significant entry for my “Politics as Usual” blog. It may just be a pip dream, but I feel like becoming involved in politics… specifically, starting a new party, the Liberal Democratic Party.

I have had my seizure medication or I might suspect that I am feeling the way I am because I did not take my meds and am therefore more alert. It is always possible that this is just one of my “manic” spells. Nevertheless, for now, I will choose to believe.

Therapy

2005-12-10T11:26:00.000-06:00

Physical therapy is really helping me return to normal! I am doing more than what the therapist is instructing me to do. Because I am having so much trouble with dexterity, I am using this typing as therapy. I am a member of several forums. That keeps me busy most of the day and way into the night.

I have also purchased a children’s writing tablet and am re-learning how to write. Using a pencil is the most difficult and tiring thing I do! It drains me of so much energy.

I have become a music fan also. Aimee Mann has interested me since I first saw were on an episode of “The West Wing” this spring. She has a deep, probably mezzo, voice. Her music tends toward the rock classification, although she is classified as an alternative rock singer. Aimee has been around since the 80s although I do not remember her from back then. She writes her own songs and her lyrics are out of this world! She touches my soul! Aimee likes to look at the dark side of the human condition. Song like That’s How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart do break my heart. Aimee’s songs have been very meaningful to me at this time in my life.

Just this week, I have discovered another awesome singer/songsmith: Christine Anderson. Christine is much younger than Aimee. Christine was a professional model until recently when something happened… I do not know what… that changed her life. I do not know how to classify her song… probably alternative rock also. She is an outstanding pianist. Her themes are deeply personal but less dark than Aimee’s. She also speaks more about God and spirituality. Christine is an extremely creative composer.

I am re-discovering my own spirituality through music!

I Am Fine

2005-12-04T21:05:00.000-06:00

It has been awhile since I last posted a message and this will be short. Surgery went fine and I am recovering well. I will return to me regular posting as soon as I am able.

Thursdays - Daydreams

2005-11-09T10:13:00.000-06:00

Thursdays are usually days of expectation. It is not the weekend, but it is close enough that final plans are usually in the works for the weekend. Tomorrow, I will be making my “last” preparations for my upcoming surgery. I have to make sure things around the house are in order so that Dad can take care of himself. I have to make sure bills are paid, letters are sent, money is deposited, cash is on hand, gasoline tanks are full…

Thursdays are so close to the weekend… but not yet there, so they are “dream days”… days I spend daydreaming about the weekend ahead. Dreaming about what I will do, how it will be, who will be with me.

I have been in a long “Thursday” spell in my life. I have spent too much time letting the fear and anticipation of the not knowing rule my life. Anticipating what is to come, sometimes I forget to enjoy the Now. Yes, sometimes it is fun, even helpful, to daydream about “the weekend.” However, when daydreams interfere with the Now, the weekend can be a nightmare.

Wednesday is "Hump Day"

2005-11-06T09:13:00.000-06:00

Wednesday is “hump day”… half way between the first of the week and the weekend. My hump day came sometime right before I divorced C. I came to a peaceful conclusion that I needed to leave or go crazy. We had grown so far apart. I had become more liberal and C more conservative in the years of our marriage. I still love and admire C tremendously. However, I know now that we just had come to a point where our lives would be better if we were separated.

Shortly after my divorce, I married J. For 18 months, our life was wonderful. We had problems… significant problems. I did not live near my children and she did not live near her daughter. We did have fights, but we worked through most of them. Everything seemed to be heading to a beautiful weekend.

Tuesdays are productive days

2005-11-02T17:19:00.000-06:00

Tuesdays are productive days. After getting awakened on Mondays, I find that I am usually very active and creative on Tuesday.

On THAT Tuesday, I had an appointment with a neurologist who promptly told me I could not go back to work. She also scheduled an appointment for me to go to a neurosurgeon for the following week. On that Tuesday, I took care of paperwork and finances. I wrote my Living Will. I went to work and filled out the sickness leave of absence forms. I was running on adrenaline. My mind was racing: What did I need to do prior to surgery? How was I going to pay for it all since I could not work?

It was also a day to notify people. I made two email lists: One of family members, the other of friends. I mailed a notice to each list telling them what was happening to me. I made sure my bills had been paid or at least where already scheduled automatically to me paid. I started a list of things I wanted my health care surrogate to know and to do.

Tuesday was a productive day.

I Hate Mondays

2005-11-01T21:35:00.000-06:00

I hate Mondays! After a weekend off from work, I just don’t want to get up and go to work. Especially that Monday. I awoke having one of my spells. That in and of itself was unusual. However what as worse was that I did not have just one. I had multiple spells. They came in about 15 minute intervals. They were the same as always… loss of ability to speak. I took my morning medication but continued to have spells. At the time, dad was in a nursing home recovering from his own problems, so I was alone. Later in the day, with no end of spells, I took additional medication. At least I did not have any more spells while I was asleep. So I slept through the night. But the next morning, the spells continued. By then, I knew I had to go to the ER.

I hate Mondays!

A Day of Rest - Day Seven

2005-10-31T17:44:00.000-06:00

While 2003-2005 were anything but restful, they were years I did not worry about my cancer. They were years of rest. I adjusted to the new course of my life and I rebuilt bridges to my kids.

As 2005 began, I gave in to the conclusion that I would live with my father for the rest of his or my life and care for him. I accepted the fact that even though I was overly qualified for my menial, hourly job, I would make this job work.

I was heavily in dept but I was paying it off. I could even see how it would be possible for me to increase the amount of my back child support and alimony I. By my projections, I January of 2006 I would be paying over the required amount and thus be paying some on what my children and ex wife are due.

This spring, I cleaned the flower beds around father’s home and planted new flowers. On one side, I planted Azaleas. On the back side, I planted roses and some bulbs. I still need to finish the front and the other side. I took over lawn care rather than paying someone to do that for us.

Within the house, I made an effort to find better way to use my small space. I like to cook, so I began to experiment with new dishes. Blackened Salmon and Blackened Chicken are my favorite dishes.

My father has done some stained glass window work in the past. Occasionally, I helped him. Since my decision to remain here, I have taken that form of art as mine. I am still a beginner. Although it is a source of great stress, I do enjoy it. I have already made one. It was an 8.5” by 11” chalice. I gave it to my pastor.

Man and Woman - Day Six

2005-10-30T22:53:00.000-06:00

During all of these years, my wife was extremely supportive of me. I do not think I would have survived if it were not for her presence with me. And yet I was growing further and further apart from her. My beliefs and values were changing. I will not try to explain what happened. It would require me to violate her privacy. However, in 2001 our differences were too great for me to continue to live with her. Maybe in the middle of a midlife crisis, or maybe at the bottom of one of my depression cycles, I left her and filled for a divorce.

However, I reached out to another woman for help. From the beginning, she and I clicked. I believed we had the same dreams, the same world outlook, and the same values. We married in 2002, probably not the smartest thing I have ever done. However, for the first year we had an absolutely wonderful time together. We had problems but were able to work through most of them. However some problems were just too big. Again, out of respect for her privacy, I will not say much about those. However, so of the stress came from the fact that, in order to be with her, I had to move 400 miles away from my children. They never accepted her or my divorce from their mother. It was too fast for them. It was too soon for me. My career and that of my second wife took a nose dive. The financial strain resulted in the two of us moving to where I now live… I live with my father. She divorced me in 2004. We have gone our on ways to try to find our own paths through life.

All the Animals - Day Five

2005-10-29T23:06:00.000-05:00

Those 11 years were not all bad. It was during that time that I became involved in Scouting. It began one day when my son brought home a flier from school inviting parents and boys to attend a recruiting meeting that evening. Although I was not a Boy Scout, I always wanted to be. I lived in a community that did not have scouting, but my father had a Boy Scout Handbook from when he was a child. I read it and memorized the Pledge, Motto, Slogan, and Laws. I went on hikes with my friends. I learned as much as I could about the natural world around me and how to survive in it. However, on that afternoon in early fall when my son brought me the flier, I was not sure I wanted to get involved. My son talked about going camping, shooting a bow and arrow, and hiking with so much excitement that I gave in to his request.

That night went well and my son joined Pack 18 as a Tiger Scout. Unfortunately, that is as far as it went. For several months all that we did was go to the monthly Pack meetings. Finally, I volunteered to lead the Tigers… and the Bobcats… and then Bear… and then Webelos… and somewhere in there I also became Pack Committee Chairman. I eventually became Packmaster. I did this in great part because I wanted my son to have a good, fun, and healthy experience in scouting. However, it was just as good an experience of me as it was for my son or for all the boys I influenced during those years.

Day and Night - Day Four

2005-10-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

As my chemotherapy continued, I became sicker. My red blood cell count dropped below 2 M/uL. I felt very weak. I had several transfusions and took medication to try to increase my red blood cells. Who can tell whether or not it did any good? I assume my condition would have gotten worse without that help. But I remained weak. I could not walk very far without getting out of breath.

Of more concern was the drop in white blood cell count to bellow 1 M/uL. That made me vulnerable to infections. During those times, I could only do office work. Even then, I did get flu and bronchial type infections that lead me to be hospitalized twice.

After 13 months of chemo with MRI reports saying that there was no more detectable growth, my oncologist recommended discontinuing the chemo in light of the impact that it was having on my blood cells. In January of 1994, I left the hospital free of chemotherapy. I had an MRI every two months for the next year. Then every six months for two years. Finally, the number was dropped to only one MRI per year. This continued until 2003. Each time the result was the same… no visible growth.

When I was first diagnosed, only 1 person in 10 survived past 10 years. I had made it! I could now officially start telling people that I was CURED!

The Dry Land - Day Three

2005-10-28T10:22:00.000-05:00

After diagnosis, I talked with a medical oncologist about chemotherapy and to a radiation oncologist about radiotherapy. Radiotherapy would likely have the same results as surgery… loss of ability to speak and loss of the use of my right arm. So after many conversations and a lot of reading in the hospital library, I made the decision to start only chemotherapy. If after a month or two, the chemo had not shown enough effect I re-visit my choices.

My chemotherapy involved three rather standard agents: CCNU, Procrit, and Vincristine. Since this combination is so toxic, I would take my chemo in six week cycles. On the first day of the cycle, I would take one dose of CCNU, get an injection of Vincristine, and start a 14 days of Procrit. After that, I would not take any medications until the end of the six week period. In other words, I would give my body four weeks to recover. I would then start my next cycle.

The first cycle was not bad. I remember experiencing nausea only during the first night. In fact, nausea was never a major problem. The most significant problem was the decrease in my red and white blood cell counts. I was fortunate to have an understanding employer who let me work my own schedule. That was a very dry period for me. I remember that when I turned 40… at the end of chemo… I told someone that I really did not mind being 40, what I minded was the feeling that I should really only be 39. I had lost a year.

Seperation of the Waters - Day Two

2005-10-27T20:14:00.000-05:00

The “Second Day” was filled with trying to identify the growth in my brain and to gain control over my “spells.”

At first, all that the doctors could speculate was that I had a tumor or a cancer. The days that followed were filled with tests. My first MRI was quite an experience. I was told by friends who had MRI that what they did was just keep their eyes closed. That way they could pretend they were not in a shoulder-wide tube. I tried that technique, but it did not work. I felt as if I was in a tomb. I had to open my eyes. I was pleased to find that rather than a black tomb, I was in a heavenly white chamber. That helped. However, I still experienced some Closter phobia. The only thing that kept me in there was the knowledge that if I really wanted to, I could crawl out of there. For my 2nd MRI, I asked for some medication. My doctor gave me two pills to take. They helped a lot! For my 3rd MRI, I only took one of the pills. For my 4th and subsequent MRIs I have not taken anything.

The MRI result gave further assurance to the doctors that I had a cancer. Within a week, I had a biopsy with the result showing that I had an Astrocytoma Grade II. I had given the neurosurgeon authority to totally excise the tumor/cancer. However, when he actually saw the growth, he opted for only a biopsy. As he said to me later: “If I had removed enough margin to be sure I took out all of the cancer, you would not be able to speak and probably not be able to use your right arm.” He recommended chemotherapy with close MRI follow-up.

At the same time, my neurologist struggled to eliminate my “spells”. He never named what it was I was having. He did not call them seizures. But he medicated me as if they were seizures. I first started taking Dilantin. Even at the highest dosage recommended, Dilantin did not eliminate my “spells”. He finally added Phenobarbital and the combination of Dilantin and Phenobarbital worked. As long as I took my medication, I did not have any “spells”. However, when I did not take my medication, I would have a “spell” within 24 hours.

The Beginning - Day One

2005-10-26T23:21:00.000-05:00

On November 7, 1992 in started having a very peculiar type of “seizures.” From one moment to the next, I could not speak. If I tried, all that would come out was a stammering “huuuuu” sound. I also could not make my right arm do anything but go up and down. They only lasted anywhere from 15 to 45 seconds. I was soon diagnosed with a primary brain cancer called and Astrocytoma Grade II, one of several types of gliomas. This blog is the story of that experience and a continuing journal of my current struggles.